November 23, 2011

Loads of SNAKES on PLANES and TRAINS

SNAKES ON A PLANE

USA / Canada / Germany, 2006
Director: David R. Ellis

6/10











A completely overhyped and overrated, but at least quite entertaining action-comedy-horror-adventure b-movie about lots of ravenous (and motherfucking) snakes terrorizing the passengers on a (motherfucking) airplane, created by mediocre exploitation-director David R. Ellis. No more, no less.


Pros:

* Loads of incredibly hilarious one-liners, such as:
     "This shit is bananas!"
     "I suggest you speed up clearing the rest of the runways 'cause my ass 
      is coming in for a landing."
     "Yeah, sucks to be you right now."
     "Well, that's good news. Snakes on crack."
     "Look at the Howard Hughes of rap..." - "What? What was that?" - "He... he 
      said 'Can you believe this crap?'"
     "You sure you can fly this thing with one hand?" - "Honey, you'd be surprised
      at what a man can do with one hand!"
and of course the infamous 
     "Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this
      motherfucking plane!"

* Absolutely brilliant performances from Samuel L. Jackson, Kenan Thompson, Lin Shaye and David Koechner.

* The characters are all clichéd and paper-thin, but they are all fun.

* Many really amusing snake-kills (snake eats boob, snake eats dick, snake eats head...).

Cons:

* There are many, many tedious scenes and moments where the movie just drags and drags, due to bad pacing and a weak script.

* Nearly every single CGI snake looks cheap and lame.

* The snake-o-vision... um, no comment.

* The ending just sucks.

Ridiculous and goofy fun, best enjoyed with lots beer and crisps,
and, of course, not taken seriously.




SNAKES ON A TRAIN

Alternate German Titles:
Snake Hell / Zombies Im Zug

USA, 2006
Director: Peter Mervis (as The Mallachi Brothers)

2/10







An absolutely horrible and stupid "Snakes On A Plane" rip-off from the notorious Asylum studios.


Pros:
A pretty atmospheric opening scene, a pair of nice boobs
and the super-silly mega-snake-eats-train finale.


Cons:
* One of the most untalented casts I've ever seen.
* Every single character is absolutely unbearable.
* Awful camera work, awful editing, an awful soundtrack
* About 75% of the dialogue consists of the words 'Alma', 'Los Angeles' and 'Runaway Train'.
* Worst CGI I've seen since "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus".
* Worst settings I've seen in a very long time.
* No tension. No suspense. No plot. No script. No nothing.

Recommended only to die-hard Asylum fans.

10 comments:

  1. Snakes on A Plane has to be one of my guiltiest guilty pleasures. I had a great time with it, I can;t deny that. :)

    As for Snakes on A Train... DAMN, I saw that one as well and I curse the day I did it. LOL. Cheesiest movie ever!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not as excited about it as you are, but at least I also had a good time watching it.

    Omg yeah, SOAT is pure garbage.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Without saying anything about it, I gave the DVD away for SNAKES ON A PLANE, lol.

    And I stayed far away from the other one, lol. I got more enjoyment reading about your thoughts on them than the actual movie, Harry.:)

    What's the boxes there, Harry? Are those from the trailer or something? LOL @ 'venemous'.:D

    ReplyDelete
  4. I never watched any of the movies...I wanted to but I haven't got around to it.

    I thought for sure that Samuel L. Jackson's quote in the movie would have been..."I'm sick of all the motherf'n snakes on this motherf'n plane!"

    ReplyDelete
  5. SOAP is pure joy all around... with a title like that, you get just what you expect and the movie really delivers. Although, yeah, I wasn't as impressed with the fact that practically every single shot of every single snake was CGI. Half of them didn't even look real, just like weird snakes that the effects guys made up.

    As for Snakes on a Train, I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be seeing that any time soon!

    'Venemous?' Grrr.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Brian:
    Haha LOL :)

    Yeah, the boxes are from the trailers. Rented both movies from my local video store but forgot to take some screen shots, so I downloaded the trailers from YT and took my shots from there.

    Venemous = hilarious :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. @Real Queen:
    If you get the chance to watch SOAP, do it. It's nothing special but at least Samuel L. Jackson is just awesome.

    Nope, it's definitely "I have had it...".
    Check it out here:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLaX8UvVUQw

    ReplyDelete
  8. @Michele:
    Haha yeah, you definitely get what you expect! Sadly, the snakes all look poor indeed.

    Beware, maybe you'll get Snakes On A Train for next year's Project Terrible ;)

    Venemous... LOL :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Snakes on a Plane= Poor cheesy, braindead fun.
    Snakes on a Train= "damn you...DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!"

    ReplyDelete
  10. @Kaijinu:
    Couldn't have said it better :)

    ReplyDelete

Total Pageviews

:-)

:-)