31 July 2011

SUPER HYBRID

 SUPER HYBRID

Alternate Titles:
Hybrid / Hybrid 3D / Hunter

USA / Germany, 2010/2011
Director: Eric Valette

4,5/10









When I first heard about "Super Hybrid", the horror-carsploitation-fanboy in me shouted with glee because he really hoped that this could be something in the vein of "Christine", "The Car" or "Duel".
Sadly, the fanboy ended up quite disappointed because this little killer-car-flick does not live up to the forementioned classics.

Pros:
- The basic premise is pretty fun: a car controlled by some kinda Cthulhu-like tentacle-monster which is able to transform the car into all kinds of vehicles, and loves to hunt and kill people.
Awesome, isn't it? :-)
- It's got a pumping soundtrack and some gorgeous fluid cinematography
- We get to see a lot of cool-looking cars.
- The morphing/transforming-scenes all look pretty decent.

Cons:
- Director Eric Valette is a lame and quite untalented director. He proved that with the boring and unnecessary "One Missed Call" remake
and he proves it again with Super Hybrid, which is tedious, dull, too long and obviously badly-directed.
- Most of the movie takes place in an ugly, multi-levelled garage, which makes it look like a poor version of "P2".
Could have been way better if they took the whole thing out on the streets.
- The acting is mediocre; the chracters are all dumb and annoying
(especially Oded Fehr's stupid character), large parts of the dialogue are pure crap.
- The bad CGI-overload-climax looks as imbecile as most SyFy/Asylum-flicks,
and it also reminded me of the hilarious but shoddy climax from "Children Of The Corn III".
- The movie costed about 13 million dollars. Not sure what they used all the money for. Car leasing fees?

Far from being a good movie but at least, it's watchable.
Fans of crappy movies might enjoy this in a double feature together with "Road Train".

30 July 2011

Project Terrible - THE WORST HORROR MOVIE EVER MADE

THE WORST HORROR MOVIE EVER MADE

USA, 2005
Director: Bill Zebub

4/10










Attention: this is definitely NOT the worst horror movie ever made!!
I mean: of course, it's faaar from being a good film due to Bill Zebub's (LOL) bad direction, bad camera work, supercheap CGI, lots of untalented actors, no plot and an ultra-low budget that makes it look like a John Johnson movie.
However, where Johnson fails because he wants everything about his movies to be stupid, Zebub wins because he wants the movie not only to be stupid, but also to be funny and entertaining.

As untalented as all the actors are, at least their performances were all quite fun and hardly annoying. I would even say that there was some kind of chemistry between the 2 main actors Jeanne Potter and Rocco Martone.

As bad as all the CGI looks, at least it wasn't meant to be serious. I admit that I laughed off my ass when I saw things like the smiling killer snowman, the dorky monster spider or the naked 20ft. woman.

Furthermore, there are some really enjoyable scenes and items throughout the movie
(f.e. the Zom-BEES, death by banana, the kitchenfoil axe, attack of the shit-monster, the wanking zombie jesus, attack of the toilet-paper-mummy, the banana strap-on, death by playing cards, etc. etc.),
and one-liners/dialogue lines like
"Bananas are horrible creatures! They mutilate their prey!",
(Jesus) "And on the third day I shall rise from the grave." - (Girl) "Jesus Christ, you're a zombie!",
"See you later, Allah-gator!" (muslim), or
"I hope you're not offended by my 'sixth sense' of humour." (fortune teller)
really, really entertained me.


I highly recommend this to fans of Toxic Avenger, Troll 2 and The Taint
I'm serious, it's fun!

Imdb



This was the final round of "Project Terrible".
A big 'Thank You' to Mondo Bizarro. I really, really enjoyed it and I hope there will be another terrible Maynard/Mondo-project in the near future.

Be sure to check out Mondo's blog for waaay more bad and hilarious rubbish-movies!



28 July 2011

Project Terrible - David DeCoteau's HOUSE OF USHER

It would have been great if Mondo would have given me the House Of Usher interpretation from Roger Corman. 
But no, he gave me the one from David DeCoteau. Oh christ...


HOUSE OF USHER

Alternate Title:
Edgar Allen Poe's House Of Usher

German Title:
Edgar Allen Poe's Untergang des Hauses Usher

USA, 2008
Director: David DeCoteau

2/10



My goodness, what was that?
David DeCoteau, the mastermind behind countless low-budget crapfests like "Dr. Alien" or "Creepozoids", turned the classic Edgar Allen Poe tale "The Fall of the House of Usher" into some kinda gay (yeah, gay) softcore thriller - for whatever reason.

The gay scenes are quite bearable. Many half-naked young men, some kissing and rubbing, but nothing that irritated or disgusted me. The scenes are just quite lackluster and too long.
Way more worse is the acting: damn, every single actor in here is so fuckin' untalented, it's laughable (most notably: Frank Mentier as super-dumb Roderick Usher).


Furthermore, the movie is horribly paced and horribly written - nothing scary, nothing tense, absolutely no suspense, just endless tediousness and boredom; plus: one of the most imbecile endings in history and one (yes, only one) really silly-looking CGI effect.

The soundtrack is pretty ok and I also dug a few nicely atmospheric shots,
but aside from that, this movie is just pointless rubbish.
Even people that are into homoerotic stuff will probably despise this schlock.

Imdb



Note:
DeCoteau did the same to Poe's 'The Raven' and 'The Pit And The Pendulum'.
Oh my...

- - -

Next up is Mondo with the pointless 80s trash "Transmutations" aka "Underworld" aka 'Mutations' aka 'Who Cares??'.


27 July 2011

Project Terrible - ANTHROPOPHAGUS / ABSURD

After that inhuman supercrap Skeleton Key 2, it's time for something good - something REALLY good.
Thanx Mondo, haven't seen this fabulous Joe D'Amato double pack in a very long time. Almost forgot how great these 2 gore-classics are!


ANTHROPOPHAGUS

Alternate Titles:
Anthropophagus: The Grim Reaper / Anthrophagous: The Beast / The Grim Reaper / Grim Reaper / Antropophagus / The Beast / The Zombie's Rage / The Savage Island

German Titles:
Der Menschenfresser / Man-Eater (Der Menschenfresser) / The Grim Ripper

Italy, 1980
Director: Joe D'Amato

8/10


The infamous "Anthropophagus", not only one of Italy's greatest extreme-exploitation classics, but also one of the most entertaining cannibal-themed movies ever made, and together with "Beyond The Darkness" and "Absurd" (see below), Joe D'Amato's best movie.

I admit that the plot makes not much sense, the acting sucks pretty much and the pacing in the first 20-25 minutes is way too slow. Yet, apart from these flaws, "Anthropophagus" is just kick-ass, namely because of the following reasons:

~ The gore and the violence which are just amazingly insane:
bitten throats, slit throats, stabbings, a face nearly ripped off, a decapitated head, loads of rotten and/or mummified corpses, the infamous scene where Eastman rips the unborn fetus out of a girl's vagina and eats it (yeah, you read right), and the other infamous scene where Eastman earts his own intestines (you read right again).


~ Loads of highly suspenseful and superscary scenes, f.e. the frightened blind woman who hides in the barrel, the hanging woman, the entering of the killer's cave, etc.

~ The creepy and grotesque-looking George Eastman,
one of cinema's most impressive horror-villains of all time.

~ A moody and beautifully eerie soundtrack which reminds me a bit of the scores from the "Blind Dead" movies.




ABSURD

Original Title:
Rosso sangue

Alternate Titles:
Horrible / Monster Hunter / Anthropophagus 2 / The Grim Reaper 2 / Zombie 6: Monster Hunter

Alternate German Titles:
Absurd - Ausgeburt der Hölle / Ausgeburt der Hölle / Antropophagus II - Das Biest kehrt zurück / The Grim Ripper 2

Italy, 1981
Director: Joe D'Amato (under the pseudonym Peter Newton)

8/10


Do you know Juan Piquer Simon's "Pieces"? It's basically a stupid, mindless and pointless slasher-cheesefest, but due to some incredible gore, loads of great atmosphere and a high entertainment value, it's considered a classic.

Well, I'd say: the same goes for "Absurd",
which is on the one hand really, REALLY absurd,
but on the other hand, it's another kick-ass Italo-flick and IMO about as great as "Anthropophagus".

The absurd about "Absurd":

~ No, it's not a sequel to "Anthropophagus". There are a few connections between both films (George Eastman as an insane and bloodthirsty killer from Greece / a scene where Eastman is disembowelled / director Joe D'Amato), but besides that, they have nothing in common.

~ The plot is silly and the script is full of incredibly nonsensical and... um, absurd plot points (the killer's blood coagulates extremely fast which makes him almost invulerable / a bedridded woman with spinal injuries who suddenly is able to stand up and fight against the killer / a police chief who prefers to watch a football match instead of hunting down the killer etc. etc.).


The amazing about "Absurd":

~ A high amount of incredibly gruesome and violent kills, such as:
a man's head split up with a bandsaw, a woman's head drilled through, a girl slowly burned to death in an oven, brutally chopped and decapitated heads, stabbed eyes, stabbed necks etc. etc.

~ Loads of stunning atmosphere; loads of incredibly tense and suspenseful scenes. The powerful showdown kept me on the edge of my seat.

~ The soundtrack from Carlo Maria Cordio (especially the magnificent main theme) is IMO one of the greatest and most effective scores in horror history.

~ Great editing, cool cinematography and many very well chosen settings.

Wiki ~ Imdb





2 fantastic must-see Italo-exploitation-classics from the amazing Video-Nasties-era
and IMO not terrible at all!

Next up is Mondo with the 60s disaster "Dungeon Of Harrow".


26 July 2011

Project Terrible - SKELETON KEY 2: 667 THE NEIGHBOR OF THE BEAST

SKELETON KEY 2:
667 THE NEIGHBOR OF THE BEAST


USA, 2008
Director: John Johnson

-1/10









This is obviously no sequel to "The Skeleton Key" with Kate Hudson,
it's the sequel to John Johnson's z-grade trashfest "Skeleton Key".

Haven't seen Part 1 and I'm sure I never will.
Why? Because now after watching Part 2, I have no further interest in any other John Johnson movies.
"Skeleton Key 2: 667 The Neighbor of the Beast" (what a title...) is undoubtedly the absolute worst film I have seen in my entire life - not because it's badly made or horribly amateurish, but because it's sooooo unbe-fucking-lievably annoying.


Over the entire 120 minutes (yes, this piece of shit is that long!!!), there is absolutely no single scene or sequence or shot or character that is remotely funny or entertaining or thrilling (or anything) in any way.

Every single character in here was horrible and annoying,
especially
- the stupid main character
- the totally unbearable guy with the high-pitched voice
 - the almost unbearable Jamaican douchebag
- all the super-silly and quite ugly girls
- all the dumb-looking blue-face zombies
- all the bloodsucking leprechauns
- the naked chef with his rubber chicken
- countless other crappy characters
Worst of all: a green semi-Satan who loves to watch people fucking while shaking his pom poms. The fuck?


Other things that annoyed me:
* 2-3 super-horrible musical numbers about 'taking shits' and 'puttin' on the shits'
* various people who shit and vomit all over the place (2 girls 1 cup comes to mind)
* a huge amount of really, REALLY imbecile dialogue lines
* terrible camera work, terrible lighting, ugly settings
* horrible editing, shoddy CGI effects
* worst gore effects I've seen in a very long time.

Oh Mondo Bizarro, what have you done to me.
This was worse than 'worst', this was almost inhuman.


Imdb

Next up is Mondo with the croc-schlock-disaster "Blood Surf"!

24 July 2011

Project Terrible - BLOODTHIRST: LEGEND OF THE CHUPACABRAS

Today is the day that PROJECT TERRIBLE finally arrives here at the Horror Movie Diary! Yay!



Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, Project Terrible,
the hilarious project from bad-movie-expert MONDO BIZARRO.

The rules:
1) It's one against one: Mondo Bizarro vs. Maynard Morrissey, each forces the other to watch a few terrible movies and blog about it.
2) Um... that's it, no further rules.

Mondo has already started with the awful CGI-disaster "Army Of The Dead".
Now it's my turn. Let the Terribleness begin!

BLOODTHIRST:
LEGEND OF THE CHUPACABRAS


USA, 2003
Director: Jonathan Mumm

1,5/10










Well, what to expect from a movie with such a title? Exactly: nothing.
Yet, to my susprise it wasn't THAT bad. I mean, yeah, it is a pretty shitty movie but it's far from being a 0/10 disaster like "Birdemic" or similar lowest budget crap,
due to the first 15-20 minutes which are halfway ok (tolerable acting, 1-2 interesting scenes).

Of course, everything else about "Legend Of The Chupacrappers" is plain bad:
~ The plot is stupid, pointless and makes not much sense.
~ The whole film looks like a home video.
~ The editor was probably drunk.
~ Every single actor is completely untalented.
~ Every single character is completely annoying.
~ The soundtrack is largely plain horrid (a synth accordion, my goodness!).
~The script... um, what script?

Worst of all #1:
the absolutely laughable CGI.

Check out (1) the super-silly vampire-turns-into-sekeleton-scene
and (2) the hilarious CGI volcano crater:

(1)
(2)


Worst of all #2:
There are no Chupacabras.

Yep, you read right. Just 1 Chupacabra - although I'm not exactly sure about it. It's an extremely dark scene and you get to see it for only a couple of seconds, so it could be everything.


Overall, a superfluous and forgettable lowest-budget direct-to-DVD-rubbish that just sucks. "Legend Of The Chupa Chups" would be a more fitting title (pun intended).

Imdb

Next up is Mondo with the sequel, "Bloodthirst 2: Revenge Of The Chupacabras". Oh my...


23 July 2011

R.I.P. Amy Winehouse

This is so sad; I'm shocked.

She was such a beautiful and talented woman, but sadly she threw it all away for drugs and booze, and wasn't able to get her life back to normal.

Fell in love with her after I first saw the beautiful video for the fantastic "You Know I'm No Good", one of the greatest soul tunes of the last 30 years or so.
I loved her voice, I loved her songs, I loved her style.

R.I.P. Amy Winehouse



21 July 2011

OFFSPRING

OFFSPRING

German Titles:
Beutegier / Jack Ketchum's Beutegier

USA, 2009
Director: Andrew van den Houten

1/10






The fuck! What the heck was I just watching?

"Offspring" is not a bio-pic about the Californian punk-rock-band of the same name,
but an adaptation of Jack Ketchum's novel of the same name, a follow-up to his breakthrough debut "Off-Season"

I haven't read the book (or any other works from Ketchum), so I don't know how faithful it is
- but I do know that this is one of the worst and most embarrassing movies I have ever seen.

Nothing about this crapfest is any good. Nothing.

~ It's packed with the stiffest, dullest and most untalented actors I've seen in a long time,
not forgetting that they're playing cardboard characters that are so sloppily written, it's unbearable.
~ Oh, by the way: script and characters were written by... um, Jack Ketchum himself...
~ There's no suspense or atmosphere or anything that keeps you interested in watching this from beginning to end.
~ It also fails on the technical side due to weak editing, bad lighting, lame cinematography, cheap-looking settings, cheapest-looking costumes, an annoying various-electronic-sounds-pieced-together-soundtrack and awkward directing.
~ Worst of all:
The laughable-looking cannical children, and the unimpressing gore scenes which left me cold although they're all extremely brutal.

A worthless piece of shit. Avoid like the plague!

Imdb

19 July 2011

JULIA'S EYES

JULIA'S EYES

Original Title:
Los ojos de Julia

Spain, 2010
Director: Guillem Morales

6/10








Interesting but flawed Spanish quasi-blend of "Wait Until Dark" and "The Eye" with some obvious Giallo-influences.

Pros:
The acting is consistently top notch, especially because of another wonderful performance from Belén Rueda, lead actress of "The Orphanage".
It's pretty atmospheric and full of beautiful and well-chosen settings, all brilliantly filmed.
The soundtrack is great, the lighting is marvellous, I love the idea of not showing the faces of people during Julia's blindness, ane hey, there's even some really stunning gore!

Cons:
The whole film is far too long and could have been way more enjoyable if half an hour shorter. The are also many incredibly tedious and boring scenes, especially in the first half.
Worst of all: the terrible story/script which is not only full of illogical or pointless plot holes and unanswered questions, it's also packed with lame and/or stupid character motivations that really annoyed me.

Watchable for fans of everything Spanish, just don't expect anything mind-blowing.

Wiki ~ Imdb

18 July 2011

RED WHITE & BLUE

RED WHITE & BLUE

USA, 2010
Director: Simon Rumley

10/10











2011 is a great year for revenge flicks and stuff.
Next to decent stuff like "I Saw The Devil" and "7 Days", there were at least 3 movies from that genre that impressed me so much, I just had to give them 10 out of 10: the "I Spit On Your Grave" remake, "The Loved Ones"
...and this one, "Red White & Blue", a movie so intense, so uncompromising and merciless, it left me completely speechless.

The movie starts off dirty and a bit raunchy, but also quite bleak and depressing. With all the dreary settings and joyless sex scenes, it almost feels like it takes place in an Harmony-Korine-universe

In the second half it suddenly gets extremely emotional and tragic with a few quite upsetting scenes. By that time, I felt that something awful was coming up this way
- but...christ, I wasn't prepared for what was actually coming up in the third and final act.


Imagine the savage ruthlessness of movies like "Irreversible" or "Martyrs", combined with the harshness of Michael Haneke and Lars von Trier and the shocking tragedy of "Martin" and "Animal Kingdom", and you might understand how hard-hitting the finale is.
By the time the credits rolled, I was a complete emotional wreck.

With a few incredible acting performances (an impressive Noah Taylor, a stunning Amanda Fuller), a brilliant, depressing piano score, fabulous dialogue, great editing and some gorgeous cinematography, this is by all means one of THE must-see movies of this year.

If you want something really unsettling and disturbing, then there's really no way around this Indie-masterpiece. Outstanding!

Wiki ~ Imdb

17 July 2011

Comparison in Pics: THE THING 2011 Trailer vs. John Carpenter's THE THING

A few days ago they finally published the first official trailer for "The Thing" (2011), the prequel to John Carpenter's "The Thing" (1982), IMO the best fucking horror movie of all time.

Well, I won't beat around the bush: I hate it. I totally hate this trailer. It looks unoriginal and bland, we get to some lame CGI and we get to hear a cheap imitation of Morricone's score.
I'd say, I hate the trailer as much as I hate everything about this pointless and completely unnecessary movie.

I mean, come on:
although it's a prequel, they didn't call it "The Thing II: The Beginning" or "The Thing: Origins" or even "The Thing Zero" - no, they just called it "The Thing", the worst title they could come up because "The Thing" makes it look like a simple remake.

Worst of all:
the trailer doesn't make it look like it's a prequel either. It actually looks like a lame remake or rip-off.

Here are a few examples of scenes, things and shots from both movies that are/look quite similar to each other:


 1982: Norwegian helicopter flying to the US camp.

2011: US helicopter flying to the Norwegian camp.



 1982: Doggy Dogg in a cage.

 2011: Another Doggy Dogg in cage.



 1982: Kurt Russell lighting a flare.

2011: Some guy lighting a flare.



 1982: Kurt Russell burning the shit out of The Thing.

 2011: Mary Elizabeth Winstead probably burning the shit out of The Thing.



 1982: US recreation room.

2011: Norwegian recreation room



 1982: Bloody messes on the table.

 2011: Some kinda alien-cockroach on the table.



 1982: A guy called Windows.

 2011: A guy that looks like that guy called Windows.



1982: Nice black guy.

2011: Another (probably) nice black guy.



 1982: Awesome-looking title.

 2011: Not-so-awesome-looking title.



Of course, I will watch this prequel/reboot/whatever
and of course I do hope that I'm completely wrong
and it actually turns out to be an amazing movie.

Yet, at the moment I'm pretty convinced that it will not only suck,
but that it also will bomb big time at the box office.

 Well, it DID bomb at the box office
and I ended up extremely disappointed.
Here's the review.



16 July 2011

Uwe Boll's BLOODRAYNE Trilogy

BLOODRAYNE

USA / Germany, 2005
Director: Uwe Boll

4/10











Hey! Surprise, surprise!
"BloodRayne" is waaaay better than I expected. Of course, it's far from being a good movie but compared to other Boll-crap (Alone In The Dark, House Of The Dead), it's relatively decent.

The cast is amazing. Never seen so many familiar faces in a genre-film - though only half of their performances are neat:
Kristanna "Terminatrix" Loken (quite ok), Michael Madsen (meh), Michelle Rodriguez (great), Ben Kingsley (surprisingly horrible), Billy Zane (fun), Meat Loaf (hilarious), Udo Kier (mediocre), Geraldine Chaplin (ok), Will Sanderson (lame).

The movie itself looks for the greater part pretty great due to some cool setting and great camera work. There's also a whole load of really entertaining gore, a neat soundtrack and the gorgeous tits from Ms. Loken.

Yet, for the rest, it's Boll at its 'best':
It's weakly directed, sloppily written and badly paced;
It's full of incredibly tedious and boring scenes, lots of stupid and imbecile dialogue and cheap-looking CGI effects.
Furthermore, Ben Kingsley's wig is one of the most ridiculous thing I've seen in a long time
and the sex scene between Loken and Matthew Davis is one of the worst and most unerotic fucks in movie history.

There are huge amounts of vampire flicks out there that are faaaar better than "BloodRayne" - yet, if you're in the mood for something trashy, you should really check it out.

Wiki ~ Imdb



BLOODRAYNE 2: DELIVERANCE

Alternate Title:
BloodRayne II: Deliverance

Canada / Germany, 2007
Director: Uwe Boll

1/10








Not that my expectations were high, but I thought that this could be at least about as entertaining as the 1st part - boy, was I wrong!
"Bloodrayne 2" is as horrible, unnecessary and superfluous as similar low-budget sequel-disasters like "2001 Maniacs: Fields Of Screams" or "30 Days Of Night: Dark Days".

Nothing about this garbage is any fun. Nothing.
Kristanna Loken got replaced with the attractive but pretty untalented Natassia Malthe. The rest of the cast is also extremely bad (especially the laughable Zack Ward and the horrendously annoying Chris Coppola).
The camera man seems to be either drunk or high on some bad drugs, the soundtrack is lame and the western-town settings look just bland.
The plot sucks, the script is one helluva tedious mess and the editing is mostly lame.
Worst of all: it's extremely boring, it's packed with every sngle western cliché you can imagine
and there's hardly any gore in here

It can't get any worse than this piece of lowest-grade Boll-shit.
Avoid!

BLOODRAYNE: THE THIRD REICH

Alternate Title:
The Blood Reich: BloodRayne 3

USA / Canada / Germany, 2011
Director: Uwe Boll

5/10








Just when you thought that Boll has totally lost it, he suddenly comes up with this amusing third part which is IMO not only a major improvement over the awful 2nd part, it's also the most entertaining part of the BloodRayne franchise AND the best Boll flick I've seen so far.
Sure, it's still pretty mediocre (hey, it's Boll...), but to my surprise, it entertained me pretty well throughout the whole runtime, which btw is only about 70 minutes - a major advantage over the first two parts which are both over 100 minutes long.

What's good:
Natassia Malthe's acting is a bit better in here and her outfit (latex costume, black hair, red streaks) suits her more than the awful western-outfit from Part 2, plus: we get to see her naked (Hot!!) in a marvellous softcore lesbo scene (Hot!!!!).
Other nice performances: Clint Howard as insane Nazi doctor and Michael Paré as vampire commandant.
We also get to see some nice abandoned factory settings, some gorgeous gore, a couple of neat fight scenes and a hilarious dream sequence with a bloodsucking Fuehrer (see below).

What's bad:
Same as usual - a stupid story, a flawed script, bad pacing, lame dialogue, cheap-looking CGI, weak camera work.,
and another really bad hetero sex scene (Rayne fucking with a stupid resistance fighter on an ugly nazi truck).

Verdict:
Boll, of course, wasn't able to create something on a par with "Inglourious Basterds", but at least he managed to create a quite entertaining Nazisploitation flick.
The open ending leaves hope for some kinda "BloodRayne: The Fourth Reich". Bring it on, Uwe!

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