MAYNARD'S TOP 10 WORST
HORROR / HORROR-RELATED MOVIES 2012
10.
Steven Lawson'sDEAD CERT
UK, 2011
It's not Twilight, but it's still one helluva dumb and boring vampire flick. Imagine "From Dusk Till Dawn" in London, directed by Uwe Boll, and you get the idea.
9.
Cosimo Alemà'sWAR GAMES
Italy, 2011
One of the worst survival movies I've ever seen. Stupid, boring, amateurish, and the acting is often so shitty, it hurts.
8.
Henry Joost & Ariel Schuman'sPARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4
USA, 2012
I'm still shocked about how terrible PA4 turned out to be. The first three parts were awesome - part 4 is just frustrating. Ugh!
7.
Dale Fabrigar & Everette Wallin'sAREA 407
USA, 2012
Nonsensical and super-annoying found footage failure, full of horrible dialogue and cringeworthy acting + worst dinosaur ever!
6.
Mikkel Brænne Sandemose'sCOLD PREY III: THE BEGINNING
Norway, 2010
One of the crappiest prequels ever made. An imbecile and unimaginative insult of a movie. Backwoods crap at its worst.
5.
Neveldine/Taylor'sGHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE
USA, 2012
Worst 3D movie I've ever seen, even worse than "Shark Night". Worst Nicolas Cage performance ever. Worst Neveldine/Taylor flick ever.
4.
Todd Lincoln'sTHE APPARITION
USA, 2012
Dumb, laughable and pathetic PG13 ghost rubbish, including the absolute worst line of 2012: "Your house killed my dog!"
3.
David Brooks'ATM
USA / Canada, 2012
A movie as exciting as an empty parking lot.
2.
Pau Masó & Ewelina Lukaszewska'sHAUNTED POLAND
Poland, 2011/2012
Looks like someone mistook someone's holiday home videos for an actual movie...
1.
Lee Alliston & Scott Bates'THE TAPES
UK, 2011
The worst found footage movie ever made, and also one of the absolute worst movies I've seen in my entire life.
Bonus Crap:
Joseph Kahn'sDETENTION
USA, 2011
The first and hopefully only movie ever that got
a 'FUCK YOU/10' from me. Um... nuff said.
MAYNARD'S TOP 5
BIGGEST HORROR DISAPPOINTMENTS 2012
1.
Ridley Scott's PROMETHEUS
USA / UK, 2012
The bestest special effects don't help when the storyline sucks and the script is just an ugly mess. Time to retire, Mr. Scott. Don't even think of shooting a Blade Runner sequel. I warn you!!
2.
Drew Goddard'sTHE CABIN IN THE WOODS
USA, 2009/2012
Yeah, everyone loves the movie, and yeah, Joss Whedon is so goddamn awesome, and yeah, it's meta and it's geekie and it makes fun of horror clichés and... yeah.
3.
Adam Wingard, Ti West, David Bruckner,Joe Swanberg, Radio Silence & Glenn McQuaid's
V/H/S
USA, 2012
The whole thing is as annoying and pretentions as the whole Bloody Disgusting homepage.
4.
Eduardo Sánchez'LOVELY MOLLY
USA, 2012
Say what you want but IMO "Altered" is still the only fully satisfying movie that Sánchez has ever directed.
5.
Rodrigo Cortés'RED LIGHTS
Spain / USA, 2012
Robert De Niro is not blind. Wow.
Worst Non-Horror Films 2012
1. Taken 2
2. Snow White & The Huntsman
3. Ace Attorney
Worst Albums 2012
1. The 2nd Law - Muse
2. Talk That Talk - Rihanna
3. Not Your Kind Of People - Garbage
Worst Songs 2012
1. Survival - Muse
2. Survival - Muse
3. Survival - Muse
Posts
Sure you don't like Muse?
ReplyDeleteAgree with Prometheus (my biggest disappointment) and VHS, but go ahead and hate me now, I really dug Cabin in the Woods. As for worst overall, Lockout. Guy Pearce, where did you go so wrong...?
Actually, I love Muse... I mean, I LoveD Muse. Their first 4 albums are fucking great, but then Resistance (ugh) and now 2nd Law (double ugh).
DeleteHaha, don't hate you. Everyone loves Cabin and I can understand why. It just wasn't my cup of coffee.
I completely Agree for Cabin in the woods! It was not so fantastic, especially for the "big brother" sequences, they were very annoying, but in general the movie wasn't very horror :((
ReplyDeleteYeah, the whole Big Brother concept was interesting but not exactly enjoyable
DeleteHere's one of my favorite reviews of the year: A movie as exciting as an empty parking lot.
ReplyDeleteAwesome stuff, Harry - agree with you on Cabin the Woods - after a second viewing - watchable, but no classic.
LOL well, that just sums it up perfectly =D
DeleteThanks Craig! Cabin is just weird. I've seen it once and that's quite enough.
Loved reading your list, Harry! Although I liked PROMETHEUS lots. And you're being too kind with V/H/S which I thought was more of a P/O/S than merely disappointing. I'm perplexed a sequel was greenlit. Where the hell is POUGHKEEPSIE TAPES on DVD?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteWell, V/H/S had some ok moments. It was somewhat enjoyable, but far from being a good movie. Not excited for the sequel at all!
DeleteYeah, still no Poughkeepsie DVD :-(
I disappoint only on War games, Lovely Molly and Joss Whedon that I found really good. For the others I almost agree and I say that Detention is really a s**t...
ReplyDeleteMolly started out good but ended up terrible, and Whedon... love him or hate him. I can't stand this guy :)
DeleteOh yes, DETENTION is a biiiig load of bullcrap.
The lesson: give Maynard NOTHING BUT Found Footage films for Project Terrible. Good to know.
ReplyDeleteObviously, we were of differing opinions on one film in particular.
I will say that I don't necessarily LOVE 'Cabin in the Woods,' but I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't just utterly generic. I'm not overly-fond of the Meta aspect as whole though.
Oh and 'VHS' is now on Streaming in the U.S., so I'll get to share in the mediocrity with you all. It can't be worse than 'Slices' right?
LOL yeah, there's lots of found footage stuff out there that would be perfect for PT :D
DeleteCabin is an interesting but underwhelming fan, at least to me. I expected something darker, something more thrilling, and not such a silly piece of meta-hipster-rubbish.
V/H/S is watchable, but... well, don't believe the hype!
"Cabin" is the only one I dared watch even after mixed reviews from everyone I talked to...and I found it rather funny. Disappointing as far as flicks go, but amusing. Come on, it's Joss Whedon we're talking about, the same noob responsible for letting all those atrocious puns/dialogue slip into the "Buffy" series with Sarah Michelle Gellar. Who can say they really didn't see this coming?
ReplyDeleteHighlights: The "bong coffee mug" which doubles as a baseball bat, the stoner, Marty, a.k.a. "Fool", being immune to the chemical attacks because he smokes pot and Sigourney Weaver's brief appearance: [But I'm not a virgin]
"We work with what we have."
WTF Moments: The Whore making out with the wolf/coyote/whatever-the-fuck-it-was head on the wall, the stupid jock's dramatic "going for help scene" and THAT FUCKING ENDING!
My two cents...lol
"Come on, it's Joss Whedon" - nope, I don't like this guy. I hated all his series, his nerdy geekiness, his love for Marvel... hell, I just hate him! ;)
DeleteI love the ending, especially because of Sigourney, and several scenes were really, really amusing, but overall it totally wasn't what I expected. Next! ;)
Well, I LOVED Cabin and think Joss Whedon is one of the best writers out there. Everything he does is brilliant. Just as everything Oren Peli conceives of is utter shit. The man is talentless huckster whose one trick wasn't that great and he's ridden it into the ground. You're a smart man, could you really be surprised at this 4th installment? ;)
ReplyDeleteTwilight is the worst series of films and books ever conceived. Stephenie Meyer is going to hell for her crimes against humanity.
Whedon's stuff might be enjoyable if you like this kind of stuff - and I totally don't like this stuff.
DeleteYour obsessive Peli-hate is a bit disturbing. He's NOT talentless. The 3 PA flicks were all fantastic, and Chernobyl Diaries... as dumb as it may be, it's surprisingly entertaining.
He wasn't involved in the screenplay of PA4, which definitely has something to do with the fact that PA4 turned out to be a huge suckfest.
Melissa- "Twilight is the worst series of films and books ever conceived. Stephenie Meyer is going to hell for her crimes against humanity."
ReplyDeleteI just had to pick myself up on the floor from laughing so hard! Love it! xD
Seems like Melissa is not a Meyer-fan ;D
DeleteI'm a huge fan of Muse too, but that new album SUCKED.
ReplyDeleteI didn't find V/H/S as big a disappointment as you did because I didn't have high hopes for that movie in the first place. The fact that there was even a little bit of the movie that I thought wasn't bad made it a surprise. I still need to see Area 407 and Detention.
I used to adore Muse, but now they suck so, so hard, it's really annoying.
DeleteWell, it was so overhyped, you just had to believe that it's good - but it isn't.
Area 407 is dumb found-footage-crap. Detention is just... *sigh* I'm at a loss for words. I HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE it.