26 June 2013

Project Terrible: ACTIUM MAXIMUS / STAR WORMS II

Wow, Robert from Gaming Creatively gave me an incredibly massive stinker that sucked so effin' hard, I'm not able to enjoy the fact that I gave him the ultra-borefest "Bates Motel" (1987). And due to my stupidity, I ended up double-punked. Well done, Maynard...  O_o

ACTIUM MAXIMUS:
WAR OF THE ALIEN DINOSAURS

USA, 2005
Director: Mark Hicks

0/10










I don't understand all the bad reviews. Give this movie a chance! It's a really...
Nah. Kidding. This was worse than bad. This movie redefines "bad" as it is certainly one of the worst things ever made. I respect that Bill Hicks did almost everything on that movie (direction, script, main actor, camera, score, sound & special effects) and it's also nice to see so many practical effects - but that all doesn't help when simply everything about it is simply uber-fucking-terrible.


"Actium Maximus: War of the Alien Dinosaurs" (what a title) is an unfinished piece of no-budget garbage, released by Troma probably merely as a joke. I've never seen any special effects, green-screen effects and miniature puppets that look soooo goddamn awful, plus: we get to see some of the absolute worst split-screens in history. It was a torture to look at all this crap.

The oh-so-epic sci-fi plot (read here) feels as if it was written by demented potheads who just had the best weed evah, and it's all full of aliens, dinosaurs and other "characters" with names like Omni-Turor Jacinium Axezun or Grand Automaton Polpox or Kolaminator number 73 or Roaranthax or Laffrandite or... eh, whatever. Grrr!!


The music is repetitive semi-creepy-piano-meets-80s-hairmetal. Lighting, editing and camera work are dreadful. The few actors don't act - they just appear and read lines. Every single creature moves around in / was designed in a totally craptacular way. Subtitles come and go without any reason. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is fun. It all just sucks.

Is it the worst movie I've ever seen? No, "Skeleton Key 2" and "Birdemic" are still unsurpassable in its crappiness - but "Actium Maximus" definitely belongs in the Worst Top 10. Did I mention that I didn't expect it to be that bad because the title sounded fun to me? Well done, Troma. Well done, Mr. Hicks. Fuck you both.





Since "Actium Maximus" was released as a double feature, I thought it's a fun idea to torture myself with the second movie as well. The cover looked goofy, and this title also sounded fun to me. Guess how much I enjoyed it...

STAR WORMS II:
ATTACK OF THE PLEASURE PODS

USA, 1985
Director: Lin Sten

0/10










What looks and sounds like a silly "Star Wars" spoof, is actually one of the worst and most boring movies ever made. Don't get fooled: "Star Worms II: Attack of the Pleasure Pods" (what a title) is not a sequel because there is no "Star Worms I"!! Troma obviously knew how shitty this piece of crap is, so they released it back then with a funky VHS cover that has absolutely nothing to do with the movie, and added a tagline - "They're back! Battling, Bitting, Burrowing into your Brain!" - that makes absolutely no sense, since this is not a sequel and the few 'Star Worms' we get to see look like damaged garden hoses and only one of them actually crawls into... no, not a brain. An arm, for chrissakes!


None of the actors are able to act, none of the characters are likable, and the plot makes no sense whatsoever (read here). I had no idea what the whole thing was about, and it didn't help that the sound quality is horrid and most of the actors are just mumbling and muttering. Halfway into the movie, I thought I'm already watching this for hours since it's sooo goddamn slow and sooo terribly tedious. Most of the movie consists of stupid people sitting by a creek, talking about worms and star prisons and stuff.


A few times, I thought we get to see at least some nice lesbo-stuff, but then apart from some 'kissing', nothing happened, no nudity, no sex, no nothing. Only one hetero-sex-scene, but that looked like a woman's being fucked by a brown bear. Also, tiresome music, unimaginative camera work, and many ugly settings. Duh! Another one for the Worst Top 10. Well done, Troma. Well done, Mr. Sten.
Fuck you both.

9 comments:

  1. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

    I warned you. ^_^ Actium Maximus is so very, very bad, and not in any entertaining way.

    Did you catch the moment where the evil alien overlord's speech is so garbled that whoever was doing the subtitles evidently couldn't figure it out and typed something like "uninterpretable" or some such?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, you warned me. I didn't believe you. I'm an idiot.

      Omg yeah. First some stupid subtitles, and then suddenly "uninterpretable". Definitey a huge WTF-moment. Ugh.

      Delete
  2. I feel your pain. I'm still laughing about it, but I feel your pain.

    'Actium' is easily in my Top 10 Worst Films that I've ever seen. All things considered, that should speak volumes!

    For me, it still hasn't quite overtaken films like 'Roller Gator,' 'Jaws in Japan' and 'Good-Bye Uncle Tom' though. It's really up there though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is undoubtedly one of the absolute worst films I've ever seen. No interest in seeing the other ones you mentioned - although I'm curious about Jaws in Japan...

      Delete
  3. You know what these need? The Sci-FI Theater 3000 treatment. They need two silhouetted heads in the bottom and some really goofy, sarcastic comments. Am I right? :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would certainly be a challenge, even for them. They made 'Red Zone Cuba' funny back in the day, but had mixed results with 'Human Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy.'

      That said, they have made recent crap-fests like 'Birdemic' and 'Manos' (for a live show) funny as hell.

      Get on it, Rifftrax!

      Delete
    2. Haha it would be fun, but I agree with Alec: it would be a massive challenge for them because it's sooo effin' horrible.

      Delete
  4. Man, I am so glad I'm not in this round - crap be getting real!

    ReplyDelete

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