08 October 2014

DRACULA UNTOLD

DRACULA UNTOLD

USA, 2014
Director: Gary Shore

2/10











No, this movie is not about "Dracula". It's about an X-Men-like semi-superhero who possesses the powers 1) to transform himself into a 'bat storm' whenever he wants, and 2) and to manipulate huge bat swarms into attacking hordes of Turkish soldiers - and believe me when I say that this bat-swarm/storm-thingy is basically the only enjoyable thing about this movie, next to the solid performance of Luke Evans and the bombastic monk-choir score by Ramin Djawadi ("Pacific Rim", "Game of Thrones").

"Dracula Untold" wasn't made for fans of all things vampires (doesn't matter if old school or new school), wasn't made for admirers of Bram Stoker's fascinating creature Count Dracula, wasn't made for people who enjoy watching a good horror film to get some chills and thrills.
"Dracula Untold" was made for an audience that doesn't care about movies, that doesn't care about Dracula, vampires or Horror per se, that goes to the cinema to eat shitloads of Nachos and play with their smartphones.

"Dracula Untold" wasn't made by people who care for the Horror genre, who care about Horror fans, who, or who simply wanna create a good Horror film. It was made by money-hungry men in suits who couldn't give a bat's ass about movies and just wanna fill up all the countless Multiplex-Gulags with bland, dumb and worthless CGI shit.


Director Gary Shore's debut feature will hopefully be his one and only film. It's an incredibly unimaginative and aggravatingly lackluster lamefest that doesn't offer anything enjoyable. Everything looks and feels like it was merely recycled from other more or less epic movies, be it the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, mediocre stuff like "Solomon Kane" or shit like "Snow White and the Huntsman". Clich├ęd army attacks and awful love scenes, pathetic one liners and oh-so-emotional speeches, hardly any blood and lazy CGI sun-burns-vampire scenes. None of the actors get the chance to show their talents, and in terms of historical facts, it's so fucking inaccurate, it makes you wanna stake-rape the two idiot-screenwriters Matt Sazama & Burk Sharpless.

"Dracula Untold" is a piece of stinking Crap-ula that should have
never ever been told.

16 comments:

  1. That is a shame. I was really looking forward to this one.

    I love that > "Dracula Untold" is a piece of stinking Crap-ula that should have never ever been told.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wasn't looking forward to it. Trailers and marketing looked about as abysmal as for "I, Frankenstein" - and in the end, both movies turned out to be equally crappy ;-)

      Delete
  2. I've been paranoid that this movie would have Dracula be a good guy, so it'd be more marketable, and other dumb reasons. Is that the case, or is he an actual villainous main character?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, he is some kinda good guy. There's even a moment when someone says "Dracula was a hero" *shakes head* Pathetic.

      Delete
  3. Come on M! Don't hold back, tell it like it really is! I don't get to the cinema much these days, but this is one film I particularly looked forward to NOT seeing. Along with I, Frankenstein.

    Ramin Djwadi often does a great score. Remember the appalling Clash of the Titans with personality-vacuum Sam Worthington? Ramin's score for that is one of my favourites!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, "Dracula Untold" is about as crap as "I, Frankenstein" xD

      No, I don't remember because I haven't seen Titans. I like swords and sandals only when it's made 300-style ;)))

      Delete
  4. My friend, with a title like "Dracula: Untold", I expected a really bad movie...

    ReplyDelete
  5. In a perfect world, we'll get a 'Dracula: Untold/I, Frankenstein' Double Feature on Blu-Ray next year. :-)

    Actually, their plan is possibly much worse: Universal's Monster Avengers (not the real name).

    https://www.yahoo.com/movies/universal-makes-plans-to-relaunch-frankenstein-and-92048456507.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, I know. Already excited, because that means more super-negative reviews from me :D

      Delete
  6. It always bugs me when people, especially the media, refer to these sort of "gothic action" films - Underworld, BloodRayne, Resident Evil, I Frankenstein, Van Helsing, etc. - as horror. The point is never to actually do anything tense or scary, just to make another action blockbuster that happens to have some Halloween-y themes stuck on it like cheap stickers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have no problem with the term "gothic action", even though I understand why it bugs you.

      Delete
  7. This does seem like a reincarnation - along with I, Frankenstein - of Billy the Kid Meets Dracula and Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter. Guess which two I'll always pick out of those four?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BTKmD & JJmFD are both sooooo much better than this piece of crap.

      Delete

Total Pageviews

:-)

:-)