11 December 2014

Xmas Rubbish: ELVES (1989)


Alternate German Title:
Elves - Das Monster des Grauens

USA, 1989
Director: Jeffrey Mandel


"Elves" is far from being the worst X-mas-themed horror film of all time, but it's definitely the weirdest, most abstruse, most bonkers one. The second of one only 4 directorial efforts by low-budget filmmaker Jeffrey Mandel deals with young blonde Kirsten who constantly gets bugged by her horrible family,
consisting of 1) her bitch-mother who treats her bad all the time, steals money from her savings accound and even dares to kill her cat, 2) her dumb brother who's addicted to get a look at her boobs, and 3) her incestuous German grandfather... erm, father ("Your grandfather is your grandfather AND your father!"),
a grumpy old bastard who's part of a conspiratorial Nazi organisation ("Gramps is a Nazi!") that tries to build some kinda 4th Reich by taking over the world with a race of half-elf / half-human hybrids - not kidding!!

As you may have already assumed, "Elves" is the perfect example of a so-bad-it's-good film, because... even though it's badly written and directed, poorly paced, packed with terrible acting and totally deserves a 4/10 rating, there's so much wacky shit going on, you just have to love it, especially because of the absolutely outrageous plot. Ignore the misleading title, there's only one elf on the loose, but this murderous and not-really-elvish looking creature is hilarious enough to give you some great laughs, especially the scene where it wears a christmas hat.

Dan "Grizzly Adams" Haggerty tries his best to give a slightly decent performance, while all the other actors pretty much fail. At least, they were allowed to deliver shitloads of super-funny lines, like:
"When there is no more room in hell, the Elves will walk the Earth!" / "You look terrible!" - "I had a rough day at work. Santa got murdered." / "You're not a detective anymore. You're Santa." / (at the library) "Excuse me, Ma'am. I remember a book from college about mystical symbols and runes." - "Occult sciences. Section 666." - "You're kidding me! That's gotta be a joke." /

"You've got fucking big tits and I'm going to tell everybody I saw them." /
"Santa says Oral!" / "The Nazis believed in Elves?" - "Oh yeah, they believed in a lotta things. You know, if you could ignore their brutality, you have to say they were just a bunch of crackpots."

There's also a bunch of fun kills (repeated crotch stabbings, radio-in-bathtub electrocution), an amusing running gag with cellotape, a super-cute kitty, some nudity, explosions, and (the movie's absolute highlight) a professor trying to explain how the Nazis are connected to the Elves:

"(Theory 1) The Nazis experimented with Elves as assasination teams. Small, easily hidden, silent, vicious. They have magical powers. They can't be hurt or killed. They eat anything. They are perfect soldiers."
"(Theory 2) The Elves were a genetic engineering experiment. (...) The Nazis did have some clever scientist. This was before todays' technology, of course. Each Elf was to house the haploid gene structure in its sperm cells to produce the master race. Once again, magical powers can't be hurt or killed. Driven to selected genetically perfect human mate, the proverbial virgin of course, holy midnight consumation on Christmas eve. (...) The Elf mates with the virgin on Christmas eve to produce the master race, and it will eventually rule the world."

It's dumb. It's bonkers. It's stupid as hell, but it's definitely the best film about Nazis, Elves and Incest that was ever made ;-)


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