14 January 2015

The TRANSFORMERS Quadrilogy

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION

German Title:
Transformers - Ära des Untergangs

USA / China, 2014
Director: Michael Bay

7/10








I'm not exactly sure what happened to Michael Bay after the god-awful 3rd "Transformers" flick (see below), but I assume something in him simply realized that his movies became generic horseshit. He went on to shoot "Pain & Gain" in 2013 which ended up as the best thing he did since "Bad Boys II" - and right after that, he shot this: "Transformers: Age of Extinction", the absolute best entry in that fucked up franchise.

No more Shia LaFuckface, no more ahaha-oh-so-funny-idiot-humor, no more un-Foxy cripple fingers and no more shittier-than-horseshit-plots. Bay's 4th "Transformers" flick may be as stupid as an ox, but it's a certain kind of stupidity he hasn't done in a very long time. The kind of Bay-90s-stupidity where you just need to turn of your brain, fill your helpless body with alcohol and shitty food, lean back, stare at all the gargantuan explosions and laugh your goddamn ass off.


By replacing Shia LaDumbfuck with an absolutely excellent Mark Wahlberg (now that's an action hero!), by spanking screenwriter Ehren Kruger's arse in order to write something half-decent, by toning down the dumb-as-shit humor, by making the Autobots really sympathetic for the very first time, by including cool motherfuckers like Stanley Tucci & Kelsey Grammer, AND by including lots and lots and lots of so-bonkers-it's-awesome stuff, "Transformers: Age of Extinction" turned out to be up as one helluva balls-to-the-wall action-fest. This is the "Transformers" film I always wanted to see.

Okay, it starts out rather slow, dull and boring, and the fact that nearly the entire first half hour seems to only consist of sunrises and sunsets [The Cinema Snob, who surprisingly loved it, said: "It takes place on the planet 'Magic Hour' in the country of Tony Scott." LOL]... well, it obviously looks beautiful, but it's also somehow annoying. But then Grammer and a surprisingly brutal Optimus Prime appear, and from now on, TF4 started to fucking rock.


The shocking scene where T.J. Miller gets grilled to death by a heatwave (incredible scene!!), the reveal of the shapeshifting "Transformium" metal, Tucci's temper tantrums, the amazing-looking Dinobots, the finale where Autobots and Dinobots storm into the city, nearly every single fight/battle sequence (all better developed and structured than in its predecessors), nearly every single scene that takes place in China, and of course, the hilarious scene where Wahlberg accidentally destroys some guy's car with a spaceship. The guy's like: "Sir! You better have insurance." which makes Wahlberg go ballistic: "Insurance? It's a freakin' spaceship! You go get insurance on a freakin' spaceship! That's your car? (grabs a bottle of beer) Huh? (opens it, takes a sip, throws it away) Sweetie, hand me my alien gun." LMAO

Also worth mentioning: top-notch CGI, superb cinematography and a fucking mindblowing score, probably the best thing Steve Jablonsky has EVER composed.
I can't help it, I love shit like that!




Michael Bay's previous Transformers flicks:

 TRANSFORMERS

USA, 2007
Director: Michael Bay

5/10











There's a scene where we get to see a mother and her son sitting in a car, watching two Transformers fighting above them. The mother seems to be frightened, but the boy is totally excited, pointing at the bots, saying "Cool, mom!" That little boy... that's Michael Bay, ot at least, that's how he makes his TF movies, that's how he looks on set.
He creates shiny, gimmicky Autobots, Decepticons and other robo-stuff, tons of explosions, awesome slow motion scenes, goofy characters doing or saying goofy stuff - and he creates it all with his eyes and mouth wide open, constantly saying "Cool, mom!". At least, that's what I think he's doing. I could be wrong and he's just rubbing his dick whilst staring at Optimus Prime ;-)

I've always been a fan of Michael Bay's films, at least of his action / sci-fi films ("The Rock", "Bad Boys 1+2", "The Island", "Armageddon"). Unfortunately, "Transformers" wasn't exactly my cup of tea. I guess it has something to do with the fact that it just wasn't made for me, because I've never been a fan of anything Transformers-related, neither the animated series / films, nor the toys. I originally expected this to be more serious, and not as silly, semi-funny and teenager-like as it is. Oh well, it's a Steven-Spielberg-produced adaptation of a Hasbro toy. What did I expect? ;-)


Ups: I enjoyed all the fight / battle / explosion scenes, especially the ones in slow-motion (Bay, you slow-mo God!). The climax is simply breathtaking and the transformations are all fantastic. The designs of the Transformers all look simply badass and the CGI is pretty much incredible. Excellent cinematography (Mitchell Amundsen, "Transporter 2"), terrific score (Steve Jablonsky, "TCM Remake" + "TCM: The Beginning") and lots of fabulous tunes ("Drive" - The Cars /
"Battle without Honor or Humanity" - Toyomasu Hotei / "Sexual Healing" - Marvin Gaye...)
.


Downs: Shia LaBeouf just isn't an action hero and it's so annoying to constantly hear him shouting "No! No! No! No! No!". Megan Fox just can't act, and seeing her crippled thumbs always gives me the creeps. The humor is unfunny; stupid piss and masturbation jokes. The entire movie is way, way too long. The way the TFs are talking is extremely annoying. Oh, and as far as I remember, there aren't any likable characters (god, how I hate the parents...).

Seen it. Thought it was okay. Immediately forgot about it.

Wiki ~ Imdb



TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

German Title:
Transformers - Die Rache

USA, 2009
Director: Michael Bay

4/10







In some kinda way, this was the same thing as the original, just a bit louder, dumber and unfunnier... MUCH unfunnier. LaBeouf and his character's parents are still annoying as hell, Fox still can't act, her thumbs are still ugly, the Transformers still talk in an incredibly unnerving way (especially the Autobot Twins... ugh!), the entire humor is simply horrid, and it's also way, way too long (150 minutes!!). There also a few more new unlikable characters (college guys & gals) and not enough good tunes ("21 Guns"? "New Divide"? Fuck that shit.).


I loved the super-hilarious Jetfire bot, the only non-annoying bot in the whole film. The scenes with the Devastator are mindblowing, because the Devastator is SO FUCKING BADASS!! CGI and action scenes are once again amazing, music (again, Jablonsky) and cinematography (Ben Seresin, "Pain & Gain") are terrific, and the entire finale just rocked.

Nevertheless, this sequel is about as necessary as diarrhea. Oh btw, as stupid as the whole thing may be: am I the only one who thinks that it's actually pretty confusing? The whole thing with "The Fallen"... maybe I'm too stupid for this shit, but it was all a bit enigmatic for me. Who cares. It's a dumb popcorn blockbuster, no more and no less.




TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

German Title:
Transformers 3

USA, 2011
Director: Michael Bay

2/10








Apart from the insane sequence with the Driller (almost better than the scene with the Devastator), a few pretty dark scenes and the fact that Megan Fox was replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, this movie was pure fucking crap, almost as painful as similar action bullshit like "Battle L.A.". Way too long, way too dull, way too tedious, way too much stupid-ass dumbshit humor, way too much Shia LaBullcrap, way too much unfunny robo-crap and a plot that is even stupider, even more confusing than everything in the second part.


I won't waste anymore of my energy on this turd, and so instead of using the words "way" and "too" over and over again, I just give you a few quotes from The Cinema Snob's review, because that guy just nailed it!

"This movie sucks big floppy venereal-diseased fucking dick. Oh my fucking god, is this a piece of shit. (...) This movie is for someone who's fucking five. (..) I really don't like this piece of fucking shit!"

"(...) Shia LaBeouf being a douchebag fucking dickhead in this, more so than he was in any of the first two thrown together, and I always thought he was fucking unlikable. In this, he's the fucking Anakin Skywalker pussy-whiny douchebag-motherfucker who has nothing to do with anything going on in this goddamn movie. None whatso-fucking-ever. He's in this... the beginning of this, whining, whining, pissing and moaning, fucking whining about "Oh, I'm a hero. I saved the world." He didn't do dick in the other movies! He didn't do dick in this fucking movie!
(...) That's my two cents."

"(about the opening) 45 minutes of Shia LaButtfuck looking for a fucking job, as if I give a shit."


(The awesomeness starts at 0:39)



1 comment:

  1. I've seen none of them - but maybe I'll check out part 4 one day...

    ReplyDelete

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