[Click the links to get to the reviews. If I haven't reviewed the movie, you'll get to the movie's Imdb site]
Maynard's Top 15 Worst Movies 2014
I'm receiving a signal, and it's telling me to warn you from watching this movie which could probably lead to death by boredom.
Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett's
What if there is not one, but two devils, and it's actually the two directors of this crapfest? Well, give these two devils their due and admit that they did a great job on wasting our time with this cinematic dreck.
Anthony C. Ferrante's
SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE
The first one was hilarious, the second one was just lame. No, it's not shark that happens, it's shit that happens, and it's happening to us, the audience. Fuck you, The Asylum. Fuck you, SyFy. Enough said.
Only 45 minutes long, but it felt more like 45 hours long. "Endless Boredom" would have been a better title.
Lucky McKee & Chris Sivertson's
ALL CHEERLEADERS DIE
All cheerleaders die - good. Hope the same happens to the careers of the two directors.
"Dr. Liebenstein" delivers too much of everything. Too many characters, too many lame actors, too many lame college rock songs, too much bad CGI, too much, too much, too fucking much.
I, FRANKENSTEIN (USA/Australia, 2014)
DRACULA UNTOLD (USA, 2014)
Imagine some hokey filmmakers taking two of Horror's most famous creatures, shitting and pissing all over them, putting them on a computer-generated silver platter, and forcing us to eat, eat, eat until we get sick. That's how I felt after seeing these crapfests. Sorry Cindy, but I will never understand how you can get a kick out of these two pieces of trash.
Finish the movie's super-dumb tagline "It started as documentary...":
a) "...and ended as a crapfest"
b) "...and ended as a shitfest."
c) "...and ended as a piece of dreck."
d) "...and ended as a piece of fucking shit."
JAMIE MARKS IS DEAD
So, Jamie Marks is dead? Good. Hope he stays dead and never comes back to life.
GODZILLA (USA/Japan, 2014)
THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES (New Zealand/USA, 2014)
You may ask why the Godzilla recrap and the Hobbit turd share #6? Because they're basically the same piece of crap: overbudgeted, overblown, emotionless, bland and vapid blockbuster-rubbish where the main character/creature gets degraded to some kinda minor supporting character. "Godzilla" turned out to be way, way worse than Emmerich's 1998 adaptation, and the last part of the "Hobbit" trilogy is actually the absolute worst thing Peter Jackson has ever done.
Greg A. Sager's
A movie made for and (probably) made by reactionary Christians who wanna shove their questionable morals down our throats, telling us that abortion is bad, that it's bad to kill pedophiles because they obviously can be forgiven. A disastrous piece of crap, almost unwatchable.
Even the dumbest, shittiest, cheapest 80s and 90s slasher films were somehow good compared to this damn stupid garbage that tries to be an homage to the Golden Era of Slasher movie, but fails so fucking hard because the two directors are probably either retarded or braindead. Or both.
ACID HEAD: THE BUZZARD NUTS COUNTY SLAUGHTER
145 minutes... yes, hundred! and! forty! fucking! five! minutes of imbecile and unwatchable crap-ass CGI, crap-ass acting, crap-ass filmmaking and inhuman amounts of hahaha-oh-so-hilarious sound effects that almost forced me to cut off my own ears. A movie made by idiots, made for idiots.
THE HUMAN RACE
"Hi guys. I'm Paul Hough. I wanna make a provocative horror film for handicapped people... and for satanists... and for people who like to watch heads explode... you know... like in that "Scanners" movie... ahahaha! I also wanna include some rape just for the sake of having some rape in my movie ahahaha! No, I have no idea how to shoot a movie... but I'm sure it'll be fun... just like the title... you know, it's a wordplay... on the Human race... and on racing... ahahaha! Funny, isn't it? ISN'T IT??"
DATING A ZOMBIE
Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit.
Maynard's Top 5
Biggest Disappointments 2014
THE RAID 2
Indonesia / USA, 2014
"The Raid" forever will be one of my favorite action films of all time. "The Raid 2"... well, I can barely remember it and I doubt that I'll ever watch it again. Dull, tedious and way, WAY too long. To all the people who call this "the best action film ever made" - seriously, did we see the same film? Me confused!
Lars von Trier's
NYMPHOMANIAC: Vol. I & Vol. II
Denmark / Germany / Belgium / UK / France, 2013
Lars von Trier is one of my favorite directors of all time and he never disappointed me - until now. Both parts of "Nymphomaniac" try so hard to be shocking, touching, entertaining, depressing, provoking and disturbing at the same time, but eventually end up so fucking boring, bland and nondescript it's ridiculous. A tiring and highly frustrating 4-hour-letdown. What the fuck, Lars??
USA / Japan, 2014
The only 2014 movie that has the honor of appearing on two lists. Gareth Edwards' debut film "Monsters" was breathtaking. When I first heard that he's attached to the new "Godzilla" film, I nearly pissed my pants of excitement. Now I see that he was actually the absolute wrong guy for this project. Guillermo del Toro should have done it, he understands Kaiju cinema perfectly. Edwards probably can't even spell the word 'Kaiju'...
USA / UK, 2014
I expected this to be about as mindblowing and perfect as all of Nolan's previous efforts. Unfortunately, "Interstellar" didn't work for me at all. A beautiful film with a great cast and terrific music, but so incredibly predictable, way too long, at times way too tedious, the storyline was cringeworthy and kitschy, the screenplay felt clumsy and messy. At least, it's better than "Gravity".
South Korea / USA / France / Czech Republic, 2013
A great director, a fantastic concept, a stunning cast - yet, the whole thing fell rather flat, due to an unbelievably shitty screenplay that is so packed with gaping and unignorable plot holes, it's insane.