09 January 2015

WORST OF 2014

Nope, 2014 wasn't all peaches and cream. Poor Maynard had to suffer through countless of really crappy movies, not just your average low budget crap, but also lots of big budget bullshit. Have fun with my 15 most-hated movies of 2014, as well as with my 5 biggest disappointments of 2014.

[Click the links to get to the reviews. If I haven't reviewed the movie, you'll get to the movie's Imdb site]


Maynard's Top 15 Worst Movies 2014


15.
William Eubank's
THE SIGNAL
USA, 2014


I'm receiving a signal, and it's telling me to warn you from watching this movie which could probably lead to death by boredom.






14.

Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett's
DEVIL'S DUE

USA, 2014

What if there is not one, but two devils, and it's actually the two directors of this crapfest? Well, give these two devils their due and admit that they did a great job on wasting our time with this cinematic dreck.




 

13.
Anthony C. Ferrante's
SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE

USA, 2014

The first one was hilarious, the second one was just lame. No, it's not shark that happens, it's shit that happens, and it's happening to us, the audience. Fuck you, The Asylum. Fuck you, SyFy. Enough said.






12.
Bojan Stefanovic'
ENDLESS CORRIDOR

Serbia, 2013

Only 45 minutes long, but it felt more like 45 hours long. "Endless Boredom" would have been a better title.





 

11.
Lucky McKee & Chris Sivertson's
ALL CHEERLEADERS DIE

USA, 2014

All cheerleaders die - good. Hope the same happens to the careers of the two directors.







10.

Erik Karl's
DR. LIEBENSTEIN

USA, 2014

"Dr. Liebenstein" delivers too much of everything. Too many characters, too many lame actors, too many lame college rock songs, too much bad CGI, too much, too much, too fucking much.





9.
Stuart Beattie's
I, FRANKENSTEIN
(USA/Australia, 2014)
+
Gary Shore's
DRACULA UNTOLD (USA, 2014)

Imagine some hokey filmmakers taking two of Horror's most famous creatures, shitting and pissing all over them, putting them on a computer-generated silver platter, and forcing us to eat, eat, eat until we get sick. That's how I felt after seeing these crapfests. Sorry Cindy, but I will never understand how you can get a kick out of these two pieces of trash.

8.

Sergio Myers'
THE ZOMBINATOR
USA, 2012

Finish the movie's super-dumb tagline "It started as documentary...":
a) "...and ended as a crapfest"
b) "...and ended as a shitfest."

c) "...and ended as a piece of dreck."
d) "...and ended as a piece of fucking shit."



 

7.
Carter Smith's
JAMIE MARKS IS DEAD

USA, 2014
 
So, Jamie Marks is dead? Good. Hope he stays dead and never comes back to life.







6.
Gareth Edwards'
GODZILLA (USA/Japan, 2014)
+
Peter Jackson's
THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES
(New Zealand/USA, 2014)

You may ask why the Godzilla recrap and the Hobbit turd share #6? Because they're basically the same piece of crap: overbudgeted, overblown, emotionless, bland and vapid blockbuster-rubbish where the main character/creature gets degraded to some kinda minor supporting character. "Godzilla" turned out to be way, way worse than Emmerich's 1998 adaptation, and the last part of the "Hobbit" trilogy is actually the absolute worst thing Peter Jackson has ever done.

5.

Greg A. Sager's
KINGDOM COME

Canada, 2014

A movie made for and (probably) made by reactionary Christians who wanna shove their questionable morals down our throats, telling us that abortion is bad, that it's bad to kill pedophiles because they obviously can be forgiven. A disastrous piece of crap, almost unwatchable.



4.
Kristian Hanson & John B Sovie II's
SLEDGE
USA, 2013

Even the dumbest, shittiest, cheapest 80s and 90s slasher films were somehow good compared to this damn stupid garbage that tries to be an homage to the Golden Era of Slasher movie, but fails so fucking hard because the two directors are probably either retarded or braindead. Or both.


 

3.
Tony Watt's
ACID HEAD: THE BUZZARD NUTS COUNTY SLAUGHTER

Canada, 2012

145 minutes... yes, hundred! and! forty! fucking! five! minutes of imbecile and unwatchable crap-ass CGI, crap-ass acting, crap-ass filmmaking and inhuman amounts of hahaha-oh-so-hilarious sound effects that almost forced me to cut off my own ears. A movie made by idiots, made for idiots.

 


2.
Paul Hough's
THE HUMAN RACE

USA, 2013

"Hi guys. I'm Paul Hough. I wanna make a provocative horror film for handicapped people... and for satanists... and for people who like to watch heads explode... you know... like in that "Scanners" movie... ahahaha! I also wanna include some rape just for the sake of having some rape in my movie ahahaha! No, I have no idea how to shoot a movie... but I'm sure it'll be fun... just like the title... you know, it's a wordplay... on the Human race... and on racing... ahahaha! Funny, isn't it? ISN'T IT??"

1.

Jack Abele's
DATING A ZOMBIE

USA, 2012

Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit.



Maynard's Top 5
Biggest Disappointments 2014


1.

Gareth Evans'
THE RAID 2

Indonesia / USA, 2014

"The Raid" forever will be one of my favorite action films of all time. "The Raid 2"... well, I can barely remember it and I doubt that I'll ever watch it again. Dull, tedious and way, WAY too long. To all the people who call this "the best action film ever made" - seriously, did we see the same film? Me confused!



2.
Lars von Trier's
NYMPHOMANIAC: Vol. I & Vol. II

Denmark / Germany / Belgium / UK / France, 2013

Lars von Trier is one of my favorite directors of all time and he never disappointed me - until now. Both parts of "Nymphomaniac" try so hard to be shocking, touching, entertaining, depressing, provoking and disturbing at the same time, but eventually end up so fucking boring, bland and nondescript it's ridiculous. A tiring and highly frustrating 4-hour-letdown. What the fuck, Lars??
 

3.
Gareth Edwards'
GODZILLA
USA / Japan, 2014

The only 2014 movie that has the honor of appearing on two lists. Gareth Edwards' debut film "Monsters" was breathtaking. When I first heard that he's attached to the new "Godzilla" film, I nearly pissed my pants of excitement. Now I see that he was actually the absolute wrong guy for this project. Guillermo del Toro should have done it, he understands Kaiju cinema perfectly. Edwards probably can't even spell the word 'Kaiju'...
 

4.
Christopher Nolan's
INTERSTELLAR

USA / UK, 2014

I expected this to be about as mindblowing and perfect as all of Nolan's previous efforts. Unfortunately, "Interstellar" didn't work for me at all. A beautiful film with a great cast and terrific music, but so incredibly predictable, way too long, at times way too tedious, the storyline was cringeworthy and kitschy, the screenplay felt clumsy and messy. At least, it's better than "Gravity".
 

5.
Bong Joon-Ho's
SNOWPIERCER

South Korea / USA / France / Czech Republic, 2013

A great director, a fantastic concept, a stunning cast - yet, the whole thing fell rather flat, due to an unbelievably shitty screenplay that is so packed with gaping and unignorable plot holes, it's insane.





31 comments:

  1. I feel good to know that I only saw 6 of your Worst Films (and I thought that the last 'Hobbit' Film wasn't 'Worst of the Year' caliber). Plus, one of those Films I only saw because YOU MADE ME.

    As for your most Disappointing, I saw 3 of them. I'm not sure I get all the disappointment with 'Snowpiercer' myself. I kind of get it with 'Raid 2' and 'Godzilla' though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, IMO Hobbit is definitely Worst of the Year caliber, especially compared to its predecessors (1 amazing, 2 okay).

      Ah, Acid Head, right? What a piece of shit, huh? :-D

      I understand everyone who is able to ignore all of Snowpiercer's plot holes - but I totally don't understand all the love Raid 2 gets.

      Delete
    2. No, you made me watch 'The Human Race.' Fuck that shit.

      The thing with the third 'Hobbit' Film was that it at least had the decency of being mostly a big Action scene. The first one dragged its feet and had its Action Scenes mostly be cheesy set pieces. The 2nd Film was move, escape, move, escape, Dragon.

      Incidentally, an evil part of me is considering giving Bob the new Lars Von Trier Film to do this Year. Hmm...

      Delete
    3. Ah! Yeah, I did. That was good, wasn't it? ;-)

      I loved the first Hobbit, felt like the perfect companion piece to Fellowship to me. 2 was flawed, dull and so packed with unnecessary shit, but still good, thanks to Smaug and stuff.

      3 was horrid. Smaug killed off within the first 15 minutes. Galadriel goes Poison Ivy, Thorin becomes unnerving, tons of weak-looking CGI, Azog floating WTF, lackluster and boring battle scenes, Legolas gives a shit about gravity, unintentionally hilarious dialog (the audience were laughing their asses off, especially during the scene were Thranduil and Legolas were talking, a really ibecile scene) etc. etc. I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated...

      Give him Nymphomaniac. Both parts :D

      Delete
  2. Always interesting seeing different opinions. I definitely disagree with you primarily about Interstellar and The Raid 2 but also Godzilla, and Snowpiercer.

    I would possibly recommend watching Interstellar a second time and before that reading "The Science of Intersteller". It really helped me to grasp the enormity of what was actually at stake in the film. Just a suggestion.

    Fun read though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I understood everything about Interstellar - I still don't like it. Rewatching wouldn't help. It's like with 2001 (which I adore): some people just don't like this kind of movie and I perfectly get why.

      Thx! :)

      Delete
  3. Wonder if the original All Cheerleaders Die was any better...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure it's even worse ;)

      Delete
    2. Yeah, probably.

      I think it was like, their student film, or something.

      Man, seems like Lucky McGee (still can't believe that's his real name) hasn't done anything worthwhile since May and his episode of Masters of Horror.

      Delete
    3. Apparently, many consider "The Woman' as even better, but I couldn't give a damn about it. 'May', that's my shit.

      Delete
  4. Great list!

    I really should get around to reviewing some disturbingly bad horror films on my blog. I own a couple of Ulli Lommel flicks, and some Brain Damage ones, so at least I have stuff to work with for the time being.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most of Lommel's work is simply unwatchable. He's a grandmaster in terms of making crap-ass films.

      Barain Damage ones? I hope you don't mean Frank Henenlotter's "Brain Damage"...

      Delete
    2. I've technically seen all of Lommel's movies, which is to say that I have, but they all blend together so much, I basically saw the same movie two dozen times. They're also wildly forgettable, as I draw complete blanks when trying to remember some of them, It's a shame his career is what it is, as his earlier works are rather decent.

      No, I mean flicks like Death Factory, and Blood Legend, from the horror company named Brain Damage. I've yet to see the Henenlotter film, but it sounds like insane fun!

      Delete
    3. Agreed. His career started out pretty good with well-respected features like "Tenderness of the Wolves" or "Adolf & Marlene", but then in the 80s, it went downhill so fast, it's insane.

      "technically seen all of Lommel's movies" - so you've seen "Daniel der Zauberer" too???

      Oh, you mean the assholes behind uber-crap like "Skeleton Key 2" which I consider the worst film... um, piece of shit of all time.

      Delete
    4. I particularly dig Revenge of the Stolen Stars. It's a pretty flawed flick in many respects, but I still liked it. And yeah, soon after, the downfall came...

      I did indeed see that, what must be a LONG time ago now. I don't remember much about it. I guess you've seen it too? Your thoughts?

      Oh wow, I do, don't I! I knew I was getting myself deep in some primo garbage, but I didn't know I was in for something on THAT level!

      Delete
    5. 'Daniel' has been a Film I've been considering giving you for a while, Maynard. It can't be on the IMDB Bottom 100 for no reason, right?

      Delete
    6. "Revenge of the Stolen Stars" > 1,9 on Imdb
      I guess you only like it because Kinski stars in it ;)

      You really dig that guy's work, huh? You're weird, no offense =)

      So, I assume you speak German, Chris? As far as I know, there's no English-language copy of Daniel out there.
      I've seen clips of Daniel and... omg, that looks so fucking bad, it's not even funny. Main "actor" Daniel Küblböck is probably the most annoying person that was ever born.

      Delete
    7. I guess the rating's probably just that low because only one or two people rated it. There's very little on that IMDb page, and what little info I could find about the movie online was extremely negative. That's what made it such a nice surprise. What also made it a nice surprise is that Kinski is only in the film for about four minutes, because I'm not much of a fan, for the most part.

      Haha! I am truly weird, although I'm not really an Ulli Lommel fan, just a curious person.

      I don't recall how I saw the movie, whether it was an unsubtitled DVD, a subtitled one, or other means.

      No, I don't speak complete German, although I have learnt a great deal of phrases/words from Inspector Rex.

      Delete
  5. Any of those choices would accurately describe The Zombinator. Damn that movie sucked so hard. I got the screener thing for Kingdom Come and will now delete it from my email, thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, well said, Michele :D My pleasure!!

      Delete
  6. So are you saying you're not a fan of these? lol It's hard to believe something called "Nymphomaniac" could be "bland and nondescript." Have a good weekend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Nymphomaniac IS bland and nondescript, at least IMO.

      Delete
  7. Thankful I missed most of the films on your worse list. I consider myself lucky....

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ha ha! I love your rants! Brilliant!

    I still like Dracula Untold... :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I still like Dracula Untold" - WHY??? :-P

      Delete
  9. Snowpiercer is a masterpiece, in which Tilda Swinton gives one of her most finely-tuned and wickedly astute performances. The entire movie is metaphor, and requires us to shift our thinking into, and inhabit, the experience of metaphor-as-self-contained reality, not the usual experience of narrative and character as reality. Along with Under the Skin, Stranger by the Lake and the superlative Only Lovers Left Alive, Snowpiercer ensured 2014's status as a year of utterly astounding scifi/horror/fantasy. And I suggest you check out Bong Joon-Ho's other masterworks The Host, Memories of Murder and Mother to see why he is one of the finest filmmakers at work today. And you are mistaken, I think, about Godzilla. It strikes me that you are mourning the film you had decided Edwards was going to make rather than allowing the film he *did* make to speak to you on its own terms.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It might be a masterpiece in your eyes, but to me, it was flawed and frustrating piece of weirdness, certainly no match for "Under The Skin" or "Only Lovers Left Alive". I love Joon-ho's work, especially "Mother" and "The Host", that's why I was so excited about Snowpiercer. However, it was't my cup of tea.

      Godzilla shouldn't have made by Edwards. Nuff said.

      Delete
  10. I agree with you on Godzilla being a hell of a disappointed, but the second Raid exceeded my expectations!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I've only seen one! Huzzah! (Godzilla - hated it as much as you did.)

    ReplyDelete

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