09 February 2015

JUPITER ASCENDING

JUPITER ASCENDING

USA, 2015
Directors: Andy & Lana Wachowski

1/10











After their first two masterpieces "Bound" and "The Matrix", the Wachowskis botched their reputation with two unnecessary and highly disappointing "Matrix"-sequels, as well as with box office bombs like the silly "Speed Racer" and the overlong Tom Tykwer collaboration "Cloud Atlas" - and now, so it seems, they fully annihilated their own career with "Jupiter Ascending", a $175 million sci-fi turd that barely made $19 million on its first weekend in America; a commercial failure of epic proportions - and quite rightly so.

"Jupiter Ascending" is the stupidest thing the Wachowskis have ever done, a science fiction movie so daft and redundant, it almost makes "Battlefield Earth" look decent (almost). A space opera that isn't a space opera, but more of an overambitious and overbudgeted soap opera, an outer-space version of "Falcon Crest" or "Dallas" about the Earth's dumbest and most naive girl becoming some sorta queen of the galaxy, about three almost unbearable space siblings who consider genes "spiritually significant" (ugh), about space lawyers, space contracts and space marriages, about Russians who constantly make oh-so-funny Stalin-jokes (ahaha) and about armadas of unintentionally hilarious
man/animal hybrids, one sillier than the other (the one with the elephant head... cringeworthy to the max).


It's a mystery how the Wachowskis garnered such an immensely high budget for such a insanely inane story/screenplay that tries to look original, but actually is just a hodge-podge' of sci-fi rubbish like "The Chronicles of Riddick" and "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (the movie, not the book) and sci-fi masterpieces like "Star Wars" and "Brazil", the latter was paid tribute to with an immensely nonsensical sequence (that reminded my girlfriend of the 'Permit A 38' scene in "The 12 Tasks of Asterix"...) that's so unnerving, it's insulting. Even worse: this sequence includes an entirely forgettable cameo by "Brazil"-mastermind Terry Gilliam!! Sad, just sad.

Mila Kunis' performance is as bad as her poor acting in "American Psycho 2", and her chemistry with Channing Tatum, who plays a lycanthropic ex-angel(!!) with figure-skating-like space shoes(!!!), is nonexistent. Eddie Redmayne is a tad better, though his over-the-top semi-dramatic performance is still pretty annoying and reminds too much of Gary Oldman in "The Fifth Element". Sean Bean is the only one who's doing some decent acting, though he was forced to deliver horrible lines like "Bees are genetically designed to respond to royalty."...


...which brings me to the dialogue which is at times so fucking bad, it makes you question the Wachowski's intellect. The scene where Tatum says "I have more in common with a dog than I have with you." and Kunis responds "I’ve always loved dogs."... There were many, many people in the audience who laughed their asses off at nonsense like this. The movie was packed with even stupider lines, but this little... erm, 'conversation' encapsulates almost everything that is wrong with this goddamn piece of space junk.

Don't get me started...
...on Kunis' utterly unlikable character who doesn't question anything, trusts anyone, does anything and almost gets killed two times in a row just because her incredibly massive naivety makes her constantly act as if she's fully retarded.
...on the convoluted and overcomplicated storyline that comes off as unintentionally perplexing and ultimately irrevelant.
...the movie's structure that feels more like a succession of various Wachowski short films that actually just don't fit together.
...the earache-causing score by Michael Giacchino (who won an oscar for "Up") which is so over-bombastic and over-pompous, it makes you wanna
chop off your ears Van-Gogh-like.


To quote from "The Matrix":
'This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back.'
"Jupiter Ascending" was the Wachowskis' last chance. Unless they bring back the "Matrix" universe in form of a sequel, prequel, reboot or TV series,
their days are numbered...

8 comments:

  1. Amen to this!
    I can't remember a time when we have been in such close agreement!!
    K 😃

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, the agreeement on this one is almost scary! :)

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  2. I went to go see this and left 20 minutes or so in because of a projection problem, but what I saw was definitely not good. I ended up watching 'Seventh Son' instead (which was also pretty bad, but that's a topic for another day...)

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    Replies
    1. We got the Seventh Son trailer prior to Jupiter and it actually looked even worse.

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  3. I miss old Wachowski's. I have no intention of seeing this one ever, but I will give them credit for Speed Racer as I find it entertaining. But Bound and The Matrix are where it's at. I hope they don't get heaps of money thrown at them for awhile and they have to go back to the drawing board just to re-evaluate their career. Maybe make another thriller with lesbians

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they's make another thriller with lesbians, I would totally throw heaps of money at them :-D

      Delete
  4. This almost sounds so bad it might be worth seeing. Still, on IMDB it gets a better rating than 50 shades of grey!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Actually, I thought 50 Shades was more bearable than Jupiter...

    ReplyDelete

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