22 March 2015

Project Terrible: ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE TEMPLE OF SKULLS

Hello and welcome to another round of Project Terrible! Round 17 and the 13th round for me. 13! Ouch! Bad luck! While Round 12 was one helluva funfest, Round 13 turned out to be far more terrible than expected. This time, I got to see five fucking films, three from PT-boss Alec (Mondo Bizarro), 1 from Michele (The Girl Who Loves Horror), 1 from Robert (Gaming Creatively).
Starting off with something that looks way more fun than it actually is *bleh*...

ALLAN QUATERMAIN
AND THE TEMPLE OF SKULLS

German Title:
Temple of Skulls - Der Tempel der Totenköpfe

USA, 2008
Director: Mark Atkins

2/10






The only Quatermain-themed movie I've ever seen was "King Solomon's Mines" from 1985 (the third of 5(!) adaptations of Henry Rider Haggard's novel of the same name), which was solely made to cash in on the success of the Indiana Jones films. Not exactly a great movie, but a decent one - made on a budget of
around $11 million.

Now, I got to see my second Quatermain movie: "Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls", the fifth Solomon-adaptation, produced by the notorious Aslyum studios, solely made on a budget of about $50.000 to... erm, 'cash in' on the super-lame but super-successful "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" - need I say more?


It's an awful film, about as terrible as most Asylum stuff. Ok, amongst all of the hacks that work for Asylum, Mark Atkins isn't the worst one (I enjoyed his somewhat neat "Battle of Los Angleles"), but this is definitely the worst thing he's made so far. With a story that has nearly nothing to do with its source material, a screenplay that is packed to the brim with plot holes, plot illogicalities and tons of batshit stupid rubbish (Earthquakes out of fucking nowhere, bee swarm out of fucking nowhere, going on an adventure with regular street clothes...), abysmally amateurish editing and an incredibly awful cast, this all feels more like as if a bunch of completely untalented film students wanted to reenact their favorite adventure films.

Sean Michael is okay as Quatermain, but non-actors like Natalie Stone (grins like an idiot), Christopher Adamson (constantly looks as if he just escaped the loony bin) or Wittly Jourdan (looks cute, but has no clue of acting) are just a torture to watch. Same for all the horrendous CGI, stock footage of wild animals and nearly all of the clothes which don't look like they fit into the time the movie's supposed to take place. Also, as you can see below, there's hardly any skulls in the movie. So much for your "Temple of Skulls"...


I appreciate the fact that this was actually shot in South Africa and I also thought that the musical score - as generic as it may be - was better than most Asylum scores. Other than that, this movie - which actually includes NO "Temple of Skulls" whatsoever! - is just terrible.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Total Pageviews

:-)

:-)