17 June 2015

JURASSIC CITY

JURASSIC CITY

Working Titles:
Jurassic Block / Jurassic Lockdown


USA, 2014
Director: Sean Cain

2/10


 





Not that I had any expectations towards semi-prolific editor / director / producer Sean Cain's ("Silent Night, Zombie Night") latest concoction, but with a title like that, you just automatically expect it to be better than recent dino-crap like "The Dinosaur Experiment" or "Area 407". Unfortunately, "Jurassic City" 
is dino-crap too.


The title is a lie and the cover is an even bigger lie. They should have kept one of the working titles (see above ↑ ), or at least called it "Jurassic Prison" because 99% of the movie takes place in a fucking prison and only the very last scene gives us a glimpse at the city, though there's no T-Rex (like on the DVD cover), only a badly animated CG-Pteranodon is flying around L.A. *grrrr*. Speaking of CGI... omg it's awful. Imagine an average SyFy or Asylum movie, only a bit worse: that's how bad the CGI-Raptors, -gore, -explosions etc. look. And no, it's not even funny in a "Sharknado"-kinda way, it's just fucking awful.

Same goes for direction (talent = non-existent), writing (a script as stupid as a brick), lighting (did they even try?), editing (FYI: Cain has also edited the horrible "Infernal"...), music (imagine a Bontempi version of Ennio Morricone's "The Thing" score...), dialogue ("We have to keep moving. If we don't, we could end up little pieces of meat inside of a dinosaur's stomach.") and most of the acting, especially Sofia Mattsson (Her only 'talent': she's sexy. That's it.) and Vanessa V. Johnston (same as Mattsson).


Kevin Gage is your average baddie and definitely one of the few bearable things in this crapfest. Ray Wise is Ray Wise. He's wearing a suit and tie, tries to look important and makes the best out of his shallow character, but in the end, it's just another Wise-paycheck performance (this guy did more than 60 films over the last 10 years!!). Robert LaSardo ("Léon") is okay, but forgettable, Vernon Wells ("Mad Max 2") is only a shadow of his former self, and prolific softcore redhead Monique Parent's performance had its moments, though for the most part, she is just unintentionally funny.

Only recommended to die-hard fans of bad CGI crap. Everyone else: watch "Jurassic Park III" instead.

5 comments:

  1. Jeez, it must be bad if you are recommending Jurassic Park 3 as an alternative!

    Dino's in a prison?! Sounds so random lol

    K :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it is that bad. I mean, JC III is bad too, but not as bad as this shit =D

      Delete
    2. I couldn't get past the first 30 minutes of the film. Same as sharknado couldn't get through that either

      Delete
    3. I couldn't get past the first 30 minutes. Congrats to you making it the end I couldn't

      Delete
    4. Oh, Sharknado was damn funny, but this is just crap. No wonder you couldn't get past the first half hour.

      Delete

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