27 June 2015

Project Terrible: THE APPLE

Hello and welcome to yet another round of everyone's favorite blogfest "PROJECT TERRIBLE" - Round 18 and the 14th round for me. This time, we did things a bit differently: all members of this round were allowed to choose a certain theme for what kinda flicks they wanna receive. Also, next to PT-boss Alec (Mondo Bizarro), Michele (The Girl Who Loves Horror), and Robert (Gaming Creatively / Mondo Bizarro), we have a new member: my /Slash-buddy Christian (who blogs in English "A life in 24 fps" and in German "fictionBOX").

My theme for this round is actually "Movies from the Imdb Bottom 100", but since Christian and I love/hate each other, we gave each other a terrible bonus film. He got "Manos: The Hands of Fate" (MWAHAHA) and I got a 'gem' from the early Cannon Films era...


German Title:
Star Rock

USA / West Germany, 1980
Director: Menahem Golan


As I already mentioned in my "Little Shop of Horrors" review, I'm totally not into musicals or musical films at all. I dig the ones with Travolta and thought Joel Schumacher's "Phantom of the Opera" was pretty nice, but that's about it. So, getting a musical film for this round of Project Terrible...
*ugh* I expected the worst.

To my surprise, this one turned out to be big fun, mainly because it's a batshit stupid, yet pleasantly entertaining flick. "The Apple" was made by notorious and super-prolific filmmaker Menahem Golan (co-owner of legendary filmstudio Cannon / Golan-Globus) only to cash in on the success of box office hits like "Saturday Night Fever", "Grease" or "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", yet ultimately failed to capitalize on the then-waning popularity of disco music and bombed at the box office in 1980 as hard as other bad musicals, such as "Xanadu", "Can't Stop The Music" or "Popeye".

The movie takes place in an oh-so-futuristic 1994 and tells, or tries to tell the story of young Canadian singer / songwriter couple Alphie & Bibi who take part in the Worldvision Song Contest (Eurovision anyone?). They unfairly got beaten by the glam-disco-pop-rock-group BIM (=Boogalow International Music), however their sneaky manager Mr. Boogalow (who is actually Satan himself) still offers them a record contract which turns their lives upside down: Bibi quickly becomes a superstar, but gets also dragged into the wild, drug-induced BIM-lifestyle. Alphie resists and tries hard to get Bibi back. I won't spoiler the ending, but... ah, fuck it. The movie ends with an armada of hippies in the forest and God coming to Earth
in a white sportscar.

Holy sing-a-song! I perfectly understand why "The Apple" developed a cult following over the years. It's a bad movie, but in a really good way, delivering enough questionably silly and uber-bonkers stuff that should make for a perfectly diverting Saturday night. It's not exactly "Troll 2", but it has the charm of a bad movie that isn't aware of how bad it is, and ultimately satisfies with an array of ridiculous characters, even more ridiculous songs and a huge amount of scenes and sequences that are either hilarious, unintentionally hilarious
or just plain laughable.

There's the stupid but catchy opening where the glitter-tastic BIM do some glam-ulous glam-pop-rock, singing "Hey! Hey! Hey! BIM's on the way!" over and over and over. There's a goofy Vladek Sheybal with a holographic BIM-sticker on his forehead, singing "Like a puppet on a string, like a monkey on a swing...", performing together with go-go girls, clowns, drag queens and an Incredible Shrinking Man in what looks like the world's most charmless
shopping mall.

There's the scene where a record company office suddenly transforms into a campy green-and-red-lit version of hell where Allan Love plays around with a huge plastic apple and sings lines like "Magic apple. Mystery apple. Take a little ride. Let me be your guide through the apple paradise! Juju Apple. Voodoo Apple. Take a little bite. Spend a splendid night in our garden of delight!" or "It's a natural, natural, natural desire... Meet an actual, actual, actual vampire!"

The scene where Catherine Mary Stewart looks like she's trying to imitate Agnetha AND Anni-Frid at the same time, whilst singing "Speeeeeeeed! Speeeeeeed!" so often, it makes you wonder if she herself was on Speed during shooting. The scene where we get to see countless couples in countless beds perormfing countless sexual acts, whilst Grace Kennedy's moaning like crazy and singing "Cooo-ming... coming for you!". And, best of all: the outrageous scene that takes place during "BIM hour", some sorta Orwellian public fitness program in which everyone has to participate ("The national fitness program is watching you!"), where a group of disco-tastic firemen has to stop quenching a burning house and do disco dancing instead.

Yes, direction and writing are awful, most of the singing is lame, and it's all so over the top, it's ludicrous. Nevertheless, if you dig camp, musicals (doesn't matter if good or bad), and Cannon films in general, "The Apple" is an absolute must-see. No, this is not terrible, and yes, I do recommend this movie!


  1. I absolutely positively ADORE this film - probably my all-time favorite "so bad it's good" movie. Glad to hear you enjoyed it as well!

    1. I perfectly understand why you adore this film. It's so hilarious, one just has to enjoy it :-D

  2. Rifftrax did this one as a VOD Release and I actually own it that way.

    Even as a guilty pleasure, I'm torn on whether or not I'd like it.

    Btw, you don't mention the 'white guys doing Reggae' bit- that's the best (worst) part.

    1. Well, I like it! It's a pitch-perfect guilty pleasure ;(

      Oh Alec, there would be so much more to mention: the operating room during BIM hour, the hilariously horrible Child of Love song, the silly audience at the contest...

  3. Ha! This one's quite good.

    Now I think about it, I actually really like a lot of musical films...

    The Wizard of Oz, Sweeney Todd, Rocky Horror, Moulin Rouge, lots of 30s and 50s classics, and so on.

    1. I'm sure all these musicals are a million times better than The Apple ;-)


Total Pageviews