30 June 2015

Project Terrible: DANIEL DER ZAUBERER (=Daniel the Wizard)

I got this from Alec.
In case you didn't know, Alec is a real bastard.

DANIEL DER ZAUBERER

Literal English Title:
Daniel the Wizard

Germany, 2004
Director Ulli Lommel

-1,5/10








So far, "Skeleton Key 2: 667 Neighbor of the Beast" and "Dating a Zombie" were the absolute worst movies that I have ever seen, both for different reasons,
but both equally unbearable.

Since June 17, 2015 (the day I watched and somehow managed to survive this piece of dick), a new stinking piece of crap has claimed the top spot and is now officially the absolute worst movie that I've ever seen. It's currently on #16 of the Imdb Bottom 100, but in the past it has been on #1 for many, many months - and quite rightly so, because main actor Daniel Küblböck and director Ulli Lommel both are free of any talent.

The slightly androgynous Daniel Küblböck achieved short-lived celebrity after he became third in the German version of "American Idol / Pop Idol" in 2003. His voice was beyond terrible, but his weird, wacky behavior impressed teen girls all over Germany, Austria and Switzerland so much, his awful debut single "You Drive Me Crazy" made it to #1 in Germany. After the release of his debut album, a couple more quite successful singles, and a questionable appearance in the German version of "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!", German director Ulli Lommel persuaded him to participate in a full length semi-documentary about him, his life, his success, a one-armed magician and a couple of idiots who want to kill him. The movie was a monster-flop. It was watched by 13,834 viewers in total and most cinemas pulled it from their programm after the first week. Wow.

Director / actor Ulli Lommel's career started out very promising in the 60s and 70s when he worked together with acclaimed german filmmaker Rainer Werner Fassbinder and American artist Andy Warhol. He also created the disturbing, critically acclaimed biopic "The Tenderness of Wolves" about German serial killer Fritz Haarmann.
Lommel's decline began after his "Halloween"-ripoff "The Boogeyman" in 1980. After that one, his movies gradually became more and more terrible. Instead of making more Fassbinder-esque quality indie films, he shot countless lowest-budget horror, sci-fi, action and exploitation films, worked together with great actors like Klaus Kinski or Tony Curtis on unwatchable crapfests like "Revenge of the Stolen Stars" or "BrainWaves", often under pseudonyms like Mario van Cleef or Steven Sondberg (sic!). He reached the bottom of the barrel in the 00s with a streak of serial killer and horror films that all have Imdb ratings between 1,5 and 2,5 + "Daniel der Zauberer" (2004) and "Zombie Nation" (2005) are in the Imdb Bottom 100 for like ages.

So, what do I think of "Daniel der Zauberer" (German for: Daniel the Wizard)? Well, it is indescribably terrible. The movie is only 77 minutes long, but it feels like it's hundreds of decades long. It looks like a crappy home video tape and is paced so slowly, you just wanna kill yourself by smashing your own head against the screen so often until it finally explodes. Küblböck is allowed to sing many of his songs, one stupider than the other with atrocious lyrics like "Hey hey, I'm a man in the moon. Watching your world from a big balloon." or "I cried myself to sleep so many nights, my bed was slowly drifting out to sea.". When he's not looking like a complete wimp, he's over-acting so hard, it makes you feel sick. Though, he's actually not the worst actor in this cinematic piece of shit: that's non-actress Adele Eden who delivers the worst acting performance I have ever seen (step aside, Dominique Dunne). The movie looks ugly, was edited in an absolutely inane way. Lommel's direction is beyond horrible, and even worse, he's also doing some acting - needless to say, his acting skills are even worse than his direction. There's also bad, bad, bad acting by Küblböck's real-life father and Peter Schamoni, the film's producer who plays a Grandpa who absolutely despises Daniel, but then after seeing Daniel live for a couple of minutes, he instantly becomes a die-hard fan of the awful singer. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!


The worst, worst, worst, worst, worst film I have ever seen. Horrible, terrible, makes you wanna kill yourself.

Wiki ~ Imdb

8 comments:

  1. Lommel just went ahead and made another Boogeyman sequel.

    I wonder how much padding and recycled footage this one will have.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know! What a dick. I assume it's 99% footage from the previous three parts.

      Delete
  2. "I cried myself to sleep so many nights, my bed was drifting out to sea"

    I love it!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have no idea what you're talking about ;-) :-D

      Delete
  3. Alec is a real bastard... Somehow managed to survive this piece of dick... you write the best movie reviews ever. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha thanks, I try my best to entertain you =D

      Delete
  4. WHOA! WHOA! WAIT! HOLD-UP! HOLD-UP!











    That chick's a dude?


    shit.

    ReplyDelete

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