14 July 2015

"LASER MISSION" (Chilling 20 Movies Pack, #11)


Alternate Title:
Soldier of Fortune

West Germany / USA / South Africa, 1989
Director: BJ Davis
(as Beau Davis)


What may sound like a futuristic sci-fi/action movie with lots of lasers and shit, is actually one of the dumbest and silliest action/adventure/comedy/whatever-flicks of the 80s - and with no lasers at all. Under the pseudonym Beau Davis (sounds like a gay pornstar), stuntman BJ Davis created an unbelievably shoddy hoot of a movie, centered around a freelance mercenary, hired by the CIA to find a quirky old scientist who developed a dangerous laser technology that could be used for wrong purposes if it falls into the wrong hands.

Man, I laughed my ass off. There's Brandon "The Crow" Lee, son of Bruce Lee, in his second leading film role (after "Legacy of Rage"), as Michael Gold (sounds like a gay pornstar), an oh-so-funny semi-action-hero who constantly delivers dumb one-liners like "I just dropped in to say... Bon Appetit!" or "I don't work for America. I work for money.", and even gets the chance to say "Let's get out of here!" three fucking times (Hi Craig!).

There's Ernest Borgnine (1 Oscar, 1 Golden Globe) as grinning German Professor Braun who talks with an accent that sounds more like his character is Italian or Yugoslavian. Debi A. Monahan ("Shattered") as oh-so-super-tough blonde who talks with an incredibly annoying Helium-esque voice and makes the word "asshole" sound as if some old bum spits out chewing tobacco. Graham Clarke ("Gor") as unintentionally amusing clichéd Russian villain named Colonel Kalishnakov (sic!). Werner Pochath ("Breakthrough") as nasty and nazi-like Austrian hunter who collects human heads.
Worst of all: Maureen Lahoud and Pierre Knoesen as... um, comic reliefs, playing Cuban soldiers who constantly switch between Cuban, Italian and German accents - dafuq??

The direction is horrid and the pacing is simply absurd. The action scenes are mostly way too fast and way too "wild", while other scenes are boring as hell and seem to drag on for hours. The action... at times, it feels like straight outta some 70s / 80s Bud Spencer & Terence Hill comedy (yay!), at times, it feels like German made-for-TV crap (nay). You know, "Alarm für Cobra 11" or shit like that. The tone is all over the place, sometimes dark and serious, sometimes batshit over-the-top, especially the fight scenes which are so uber-crazy, it's... *sigh* it's just painful to watch. The music, composed by David Knopfler, isn't bad, especially because it sounds a bit David-Gilmour-like. However, the movie's theme song - Knopfler's "Mercenary Man" - gets played so often (6 times!), it's so fucking unnerving, and so damn cheesy, and so fucking repetitive (Listen HERE!).

Highlights: the embarrassing kiss between Lee and Monahan (she looks like she so don't wanna kiss him). The Colonel that doesn't die. The head collection. Every single scene where a car explodes or drives/falls into the ocean. The stupid scene where that one soldier realizes that the androgyne Sergeant is actually a woman ("Sergeant? You are no sergeant. You are a woman!" - "Loco, I've always been a woman.") Oh, and the scene where both Lee and the Austrian fall from a really high building. Lee survives with only a few scratches - the Austrian falls on the spikes of a fence and obviously dies.

No, "Laser Mission" isn't good at all, but if you're able to enjoy bad-movie-classics like "Creeping Terror" or "Troll 2", this is a total must-see, best enjoyed with a few beers and a HUGE bucket of popcorn.

Wiki ~ Imdb

P.S. I have no idea why they called it "Laser Mission". This movie should have been titled "Mercenary Man". Why? Well, because
"He's a Mercenary Man.

Mercenary Man.
Mercenary Man.
Yeah, Mercenary Man.
Mercenary Man.
Mercenary Man..."
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  1. I love this movie! Brandon Lee was one awesome guy!

    Oh, is Alarm Fur Cobra 11 no good? That's a shame. What's sucky about it?

    1. Hm, it's hard to say if he really was one awesome guy. I mean, he was terrific in The Crow, but here, he was pretty bad.

      Alarm Für Cobra 11 is shallow TV crap. Every episode is centered around one oh-so-awesome stunt. That's it. Acting, music, editing - lame.

  2. I have this one in a cheapie pack but haven't watched it yet. Obviously I have to since Mr. Lee tosses off my blog title three times! (Thanks for the heads up!)

    1. Oh Craig, this movie is so effing ridiculous, you just have to see it. You'll love it!


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