Back in January, when I went to see "50 Shades of Grey" for shits and giggles, I was pretty sure that this would pop up in my Worst of 2015 list. However, now that the year is over, I realized that there's no place for Mr. Grey in this awful list because there was so much other crap this year, I was actually able to compile a Worst of List that consists of 25(!!!) movies for the very first time since I started blogging in 2009. Yes, my dear readers, 25 (actually 26) awfully bad movies, and none of them has anything to do with E.L. James! Yes, this year was that bad. Like really bad. In terms of Horror etc. 2015 was actually so bad, I decided to go on hiatus (announcement post, see here).
By the way: 10 of these god-awful movies were shown at the /Slash Filmfestival 2015. Ten! Holy fuck, last year's /Slash was so, so bad, I'm still pissed. Result: I will probably not visit or support any /Slash events this year. I may go to another festival, I may go to no festival at all. I haven't decided yet. Let's wait and see...
Maynard's Top 25
Worst Movies 2015
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE: VENGEANCE IS MINE
The previous two entries in this insane franchise - both directed by Steven R. Monroe - made it into my Best Of Lists (Best of 2011: Part 1 on #3 / Best of 2013: Part 2 on #21).
The third entry - NOT directed by Steven R. Monroe - made it into the Worst Of 2015 list because it's a dumb, boring and terribly written piece of rape'n'revenge nonsense. Hope one day Monroe returns for a fourth entry, and makes us forget about this vile garbage.
The first of 6 found footage crapfests on this abysmal list. This one is just another devil-possessed-child rubbish that steals from classics like "The Omen" or "Poltergeist" and could have been easily sold as sequel to "Devil's Due" (Worst of 2014, #14). The fact that it was co-produced by the guys behind "The Human Race" (Worst of 2014, #2)... well, I think you get the idea.
USA / Mexico, 2015
Imagine "Short Circuit", but without the fun and entertainment. Imagine "RoboCop", but without the badassness. Imagine "District 9", but without the awesomeness. Imagine "Elysium", but without Matt Damon. That's "Chappie". And "Chappie" is Crappy.
From the director of "Pontypool", one of the greatest Canadian horror films of all time, comes "Hellions", one of the worst Canadian horror films of all time. Seriously, "Hellions" is so dumb, so bad, so pointless, it feels as if was directed by some film student - but it was directed by Bruce McDonald, and that, ladies and gentlemen, that is a tragedy.
1st of 10 /Slash films on this shitty list.
From the director of "Chronicle" (Best of 2012, #10), one of the coolest superhero-films of the last 15 years, comes "Fantfourstic", one of the worst super-hero films of the last 15 years. Seriously, "Fant4stic" is so nonsensically silly, so boring, so fucked up, it feels as if was directed by some film student - but it was directed by Josh Trank, and that, ladies and gentlemen, that is a tragedy.
THE FINAL GIRLS
An oh-so-funny meta-homage to 80s slashers 1) without any gore and boobs, 2) which wants us to believe that low-budget slasher movies in 1986 had black-and-white flashbacks and slow-mo sequences, 3) titled "The Final Girls" even though it gets everything wrong about the basic 'final girl', 4) with a cheap, obvious and terrible re-recording of Kim Carnes' "Bette Davis' Eyes", 5) that was filmed in such a shiny and polished way, it hurt my eyes.
2nd of 10 /Slash films on this shitty list.
Germany / USA, 2015
Believe me, I have absolutely nothing against Lance Henriksen, but as of lately, he quickly became the Nicolas Cage of horror, constantly appearing in utter genre crap like "It's in the Blood", "Harbinger Down", "Alone in the Dark II",or in this horrid piece of monster-insect trash, a movie as funny as a bee sting, as gorgeous as flies sitting on dog shit.
3rd of 10 /Slash films on this shitty list.
The second of 6 found footage crapfests in this abysmal list. Fuck the ugly poster. Not only is it NOT the first feature film shot entirely with an iPhone (that's the far superior "To Jennifer" by James Cullen Bressack), it is also NOT a good movie. Actually, it's one of the absolute worst Spanish horror films of the last years and it gives us two of the most unlikable, most aggravating male characters I've ever seen in a horror movie.
The third of 6 found footage crapfests in this abysmal list, and this one was actually directed by the father of modern found footage cinema Eduardo Sánchez, mastermind behind "The Blair Witch Project". What could have been some kinda "Willow Creek 2" ended up as ultra-shitty, stupidly made Bigfoot flick that is about as bad as "Curse of Bigfoot" or similar Bigfoot-turd.
Even the weakest films by George A. Romero ("The Crazies", "Surival of the Dead") are masterpieces compared to what his son George Cameron (who clearly is NOT an auteur) achieved with this oh-so-original mockumentary that could be described as "Cigarette Burns" for idiots. George, could you please give your son house arrest? Thanks in advance.
"Evangeline" looks and feels as if the makers of "Kingdom Come" (Worst of 2014, #5) made a remake of "Avenged" (Best of 2015, #12). It's daft, it's inane and it contains several faith-based elements that are plain insulting. Wanna torture yourself? Watch this, "I Spit on your Grave 3" and "Savage Vengeance" in a row. You will jump out of the window afterwards.
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE GHOST DIMENSION 3D
The fourth of 6 found footage crapfests in this abysmal list. The sixth entry in the "Paranormal Activity" franchise is even worse than the abysmal fourth entry (Worst of 2012, #8). It's one of the worst found footage I've ever seen in a movie theater, and it's also one of the worst 3D movies I've ever seen in a movie theater. "The Cheap-Jump-Scare Dimension" would be a better fitting title.
Not only is it pretty sad what happened to the career of once-promising director Joe Lynch (the man behind the hialrious "Wrong Turn 2"), it's also a massive tragedy what happened to Salma Hayek, who once received Oscar, Golden Globe and Emmy nominations, and now seems to be designated to star in bullcrap like "Grown Ups", "Cirque du Freak" or this horrid action-turd that tries so desperately to be cool, it makes SyFy nonsense
like "Mercenaries" look like a work of art.
USA / Chile, 2015
The remake of the obscure 70s flick "Death Game" is undoubtedly the worst thing Eli Roth has ever done (even worse than "Hostel 2"). It's one of the worst home invasion movies I've ever seen, including Keanu Reeves' absolute worst performance since "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (Byudapast!), and delivers the absolute stupidest scene of 2015 (the god-awful, headscratchingly idiotic scene where some guy prefers to save some sculpture instead of saving Keanu's character). Knock Knock? Fuck Fuck.
4th of 10 /Slash films on this shitty list.
Probably the blandest, most vapid, most expendable, most forgettable movie I've seen in 2015. It's so bland, I have a really hard time remembering anything from it. Oh wait... batshit stupid teenagers... annoyingly uber-loud sound effects... annoyingly uber-aggressive jump scares... okay, no, it's not bland, it's just bad, bad, bad.
BUNNY THE KILLER THING
Super-horny and bloodthirsty monster bunny that constantly screams "PUSSY!"... AHAHAHA. Drunken Finnish people drinking and wanking and fucking and ejaculatio praecox... AHAHAHA. And attempted Lesbian rape... and dead Squirrels... and oh-so-funny semi-racist humor. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck you, Bunny.
5th of 10 /Slash films on this shitty list.
SOME KIND OF HATE
A revenge movie that starts out rather decent, but then suddenly becomes so laughable and ludicrous and horribly bonkers, it's not funny, it's just sad. As if the director (whose cool name is the only good thing about it) lost his mind completely during filming. Plus: absolute worst in-between-credits scene ever made. Ever. Ugh, some kind of crap.
6th of 10 /Slash films on this shitty list.
This movie should be shown to film students as an example of how to NOT make a horror movie. "The Pack" makes dogs look like they're the dumbest animals on Earth, and Australian farmer families look like they're the most retarded people on Earth.
Things that are funnier than watching this movie: getting infected with Rabies. Getting bitten to death by a Rottweiler. Cutting his hand whilst opening a can of dog food and bleeding to death.
7th of 10 /Slash films on this shitty list.
It clearly says something when you have to sell your own artsy-fartsy piece of shit as the most disgusting, most unwatchable movie, just to get at least a bit of attention. Even worse when the boss of a seemingly acclaimed filmfestival falls for it. The reuslt: one of the most tedious, most frustrating in-cinema experiences of my entire life.
8th of 10 /Slash films on this shitty list.
USA / UK / Australia, 2015
Just when you think, the Wachowskis' output can't get any worse ("Matrix 2", "Matrix 3", "Speed Racer" - all bad), they manage to enter a whole new level of crappiness with "Jupiter Ascending", the daftest, dumbest and most ridiculous overbudgeted supposed-to-be-a-blockbuster-fails imaginable. Space junk for idiots who like everything and laugh at everything.
"Rise of the Machines" might have been a tad too silly, and "Salvation" might have been a tad too dull, but both these "Terminator" flicks were definitely lightyears better than this shit. It's as bad as the title. It's worse than the already-horrid teasers and trailers. It's even worse than the entire fucked ip "Genisys" marketing campaign (Genisys Burger!).
No, I wasn't waitng for you. No, I hope you won't be back. No, I don't wanna come with you. Not now, soldier. Not later. Never. I don't wanna live, I just wanna die because you, movie, you suck soooo fucking hard. Go away, T800. You're old and you're obsolete.
Spain / USA, 2014
From the director of "Timecrimes", one of the coolest time-travel films of
the last 25 years, comes "Open Windows", one of the worst time-travel films of the last 25 years. Seriously, "Open Windows" is so stupid, so
boring, so goddamn terrible, it feels as if was directed by some film student -
but it was directed by Nacho Vigalondo, and that, ladies and gentlemen, that
is a tragedy.
Also: worst Elijah Wood performance so far, and porn actress Sasha Grey trying to be a serious actress? Um, yeah. Nice try.
THE HOUSE WITH 100 EYES
The fifth of 6 found footage crapfests in this abysmal list, and omg, this one was one torturous hell of a crapfest! Imagine the worst kind of torture porn, multiply it by ten, add found footage, add horrendous non-characters, add horrendous non-actors, add oh-so-brutal-and-oh-so-disturbing violence, add at least one character who's masturbating, add fucking "August Underground", and you may get why I have to quote Jamie Brownlie's review once again: "Fuck this movie, fuck the people who made this movie and fuck anyone who likes this movie."
The sixth of 6 found footage crapfests in this abysmal list. I'm not kidding, that was the worst in-cinema-experience of my entire life (next to seeing "Raw"). This movie should be shown to film students as an example of to botch up an intriguing premise and turn into cinematic bullshit. A movie made by douchebags, made for douchebags, packed to the brim with douchy actors and douchy characters and idiotic jump scares and idiotic plot elements and what not. Blogger Abraham Philips brought it to the point when he said: "I WOULD RATHER DRIVE A RUSTY NAIL INTO MY SCROTUM SAC THEN WATCH THIS AGAIN."
ME QUEDO CONTIGO a.k.a I STAY WITH YOU (Mexico, 2014)
Jorge Michel Grau, Lex Ortega, Gigi Saul Guerrero, Ulises Guzmán, Aaron Soto, Isaac Ezban, Laurette Flores & Edgar Nito's
MÉXICO BÁRBARO (Mexico, 2014)
Both these movies were so unbe-fucking-lievably terrible, I had to leave the movie theater. I don't wanna... no, I just can't write anything more about these two
shitfests. I ran out of steam and there's nothing left in the tank,
that's why I'm quoting from my own reviews, as well as from the reviews of
my good friend Kalafudra.
"Me quedo contigo (I Stay With You)"
Maynard: "In my entire life, I've never witnessed so
many people leaving a movie theater during a movie. Never. (...) This Mexican 100-minute piece of garbage is
so completely unwatchable, even I had to leave at the 70 minute mark,
because, just like the majority of the audience, I couldn't stand it any
Kalafudra: "Not only yet another rape-y /slash film, it also took what could have
been an inversion of the “guys abuse women” setting and somehow made it
even more misogynistic. (...) That ease with which all those women torture and maim the guy gives the
film a misogynistic flavor that I found incredibly hard to stomach. (...) I (found) the entire set-up tasteless and misogynistic. (...) That is really not how I like my films."
Maynard: "A movie that tries to come off as
oh-so-cool horror-anthology, although it's actually more like various
amateur YouTube short films lazily cobbled together. (...) We decided to leave the theater during the segment where a young virgin girl got raped by an ugly
forest monster which also really loved to vomit yucky yellow fluids over
her boobs. It was not just very disgusting, it was also extremely
aggravating and almost unwatchable. "
Kalafudra: "I don’t think I have ever seen such a vile, rape-y, misogynistic and
ableist film. I was this close to walking out of it, but I felt almost
paralyzed with disgust."
9th and 10th of ten /Slash films
on this shitty list. Yup, 10 of the worst movies I've seen all year
were screened at the /Slash Filmfestival. Damn, I spent almost $270 on a lineup that was just awful, awful, awful. Well done, /Slash, very well done.