01 July 2016

Hiatus over. Maynard's back. Good stuff. Bad stuff. Ghostbusters.

Holy crap, that crazy Austrian guy is back!!

Well... sorta. If you expect me to return with a daily (over)dose of shitty movie reviews, then I have to disappoint you:
I won't do that anymore (the horror! the horror!). During my hiatus, I learned one thing: life is too short wasting it on watching and writing about every new horror movie that comes out, and every fucking screener that I get.

Result: over the last 7 months, I watched so many fucking movies from all kinds of genres, it's insane. And no, I didn't write about any of them. No, sir. Nothing. Nada. Nil.
The joy of watching movies without constantly thinking about what I could write about it.... fucking priceless!

Maynard 2.0 (sounds funky, huh?) focuses on the satisfying experience of watching movies, and not on writing about them. It was fun once, but last year it got exhausting and felt more like work, so I just had to stop.
But Don't Worry: I will continue to post hither and thither, but no reviews. Other stuff, like lists, articles etc. If you're still interested in the diary, keep an eye open: there's actually a few really extensive posts coming very, very soon!!!!!!1!! (not kidding!). Also, if you want me to collaborate on a post or something, just let me know.

Oh, in case you wanna know what horror movies I watched so far this year, here's a nice little overview. As you can see, this was a very disappointing year so far. Well, is it any wonder? Hollywood still churns out one fucking ghost movie after the other. It's insane.
Nothing can make me go check out stuff like "The Forest" (Thanks, but I've already seen "Grave Halloween" - same fucking movie), "The Darkness" (Greg McLean, what the fuck?) or "The Other Side of the Door" (could have been released as "Pet Sematary 3" or "Wake Wood 2"...).
As for the rest: well, see for yourself...

"2 JENNIFER" (2016), Directed by Hunter Johnson - 4/10
Sequel to James Cullen Bressack's "To Jennifer". Starts out pretty good, ends up pretty bad. I already forgot about it.

"10 CLOVERFIELD LANE" (2016), Directed by Dan Trachtenberg - 9/10
Unbelievably intense and powerful suspense-fest with a terrific Mary Elizabeth Winstead and a fucking creepy John Goodman. Biggest surprise of 2016 so far, wow!

"ANGER OF THE DEAD" (2015), Directed by Frances Picone - 2/10
Horrible full-length version of the director's fantastic zombie-short from 2013. Co-produced by Uwe Boll...

"B.C. BUTCHER" (2016), Directed by Kansas Bowling - 6/10
A prehistoric slasher-comedy, directed by a 19-year-old girl, produced by Troma. Funny rubbish, far better than I expected.

"THE BOY" (2016), Directed by William Brent Bell - 3/10
Ridiculous and pretty laughable doll-horror with a super-shitty ending. Bell's worst movie so far. Yes, even worse than "The Devil Inside".

"CABIN FEVER" (2016), Directed by Travis Zariwny - 0/10
Remake of Eli Roth's classic of the same name, so fucking awful, I had to turn it off after the first 20 minutes.

"THE CONJURING 2" (2016), Directed by James Wan - 3/10
Unbelievably frustrating over-the-top special effects disaster, terribly predictable, much too long, and way too packed with worn-out Wan-trademarks. Ugh!

"DARK" (2015), Directed by Nick Basile - 2/10
Absolutely horrendous "Repulsion" ripoff, incredibly boring and awfully executed. Produced by Joe Dante for whatever reason...

"DARK HOUSE" (2014), Directed by Victor Salva - 8/10
Original, gripping, gory and totally badass. The best movie Salva has done since his masterpiece "Jeepers Creepers"!

"DARLING" (2015), Directed by Mickey Keating - 2/10
Don't believe the hype (fuck you, Bloody Disgusting!). This "Repulsion"-ripoff fucking sucks. Yes, yet another "Repulsion" ripoff...

"DON'T GO IN THE BASEMENT 2" (2015), Directed by Tony Brownrigg - 6/10
Pretty neat and quite entertaining sequel to the 1973 classic, directed by exploitation legend S.F. Brownrigg's son!

"FRANCESCA" (2015), Directed by Luciano Onetti - 4/10
Stunning-looking, but highly underwhelming and annoyingly tedious follow-up to Onetti's fantastic neo-Giallo "Sonno Profondo".

"THE GIRL IN THE PHOTOGRAPHS" (2015), Directed by Nick Simon - 3/10
Visually interesting, but otherwise unbelievably frustrating and super-dumb semi-slasher, produced by Wes Craven for whatever reason...

"GREEN ROOM" (2015), Directed by Jeremy Saulnier - 8/10
Uber-intense, super-brutal and completely unpredictable punks-vs.-nazis shocker with some really nasty gore. Awesome! R.I.P. Anton Yelchin :(

"HOLIDAYS" (2016), Various Directors - 7/10
Surprisingly hilarious holiday-themed horror-anthology, far more satisfying than the overhyped "Tales of Halloween", incl. the absolute best thing Kevin Smith has done in like forever.

"THE NEON DEMON" (2016), Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn - 4/10
Style over substance and hardcore-pretentiousness to the absolute maximum. Thank goodness Jena Malone is so fucking good, her intense performance almost saves the entire movie.

"RESTORATION" (2016), Directed by Zack Ward - 2/10
Directorial feature debut by actor Zack Ward, an awfully unoriginal and cliché-ridden semi-ripoff off "The Skeleton Key" with lots of very, very awful CGI.

"SINISTER 2" (2015), Directed by Ciarán Foy - 5/10
Completely unoriginal, pointless and superfluous cash-grab sequel, though far from being as bad as expected, due to solid direction, a couple of terrific death scenes and some neat acting.

"SOUTHBOUND" (2015), Various Directors - 3/10
Weak horror-anthology that tries so unbelievably hard to be oh-so-clever, it just had to fall flat.

"THE VVITCH: A NEW-ENGLAND FOLKTALE" (2015), Directed by Robert Eggers - 4/10
Visually excellent, but too religious, too pretentious, too predictable for my taste. Lars von Trier's highly similar "Antichrist" is sooooo much better than this.

Oh, one more thing:

Fuck the new Ghostbusters.
Fuck Paul Feig.
Fuck Fall Out Boy.
Fuck everyone who claims all the recent Ghostbusters hate is about feminism or misogyny or racism...

- IT'S NOT!!! The trailers just look horrible. And unfunny. And horribly unfunny. People tend to hate shit like that. Simple as that. Fuck the new Ghostbusters. Just fuck it. I won't watch that crap.



7 comments:

  1. Welcome back Maynard! You made me laugh! LOL! I agree, what you were doing, was a lot of work! Life is too short!!! Oh, and one more thing, Fuck the new Ghostbusters!!!!! I won't be watching it either!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yay! Welcome back Maynard!! You're right, life's way too short to write about every single crap movie, and nope... I won't be watching the new Ghostbusters either. It does look completely crap and is probably perfect for young teen girls.

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  3. *walks in drenched in blood from all the bodycounting during your hiatus*

    A LOT of dead people happened.

    First of, glad to have you back, Maynard 2.0! We all missed our horror bro from Austria and I'm glad I'm not the only guy who sees Southbound as rubbish! (Twilight Zone by bottmless bottom!)

    I'm also glad our contrasting viewpoints are still intact (The Conjuring 2 is AWESOME and Holidays is only semi-decent for me with only three to four segments being memorable) so, here's hoping to future and better viewing experiences for you

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    Replies
    1. Hihi, hey Kaijinu! How's it going? :)

      Ha, I'm glad that nothing has changed since I've been away. You still like things that I don't like and vice versa =D

      Thanks, fingers crossed!

      Delete
    2. Glad to have you back... the other guy did an excellent job of "filling in" for you in your absence...

      Delete
  4. Hey Maynard! Sorry you didn't enjoy "2 Jennifer," but glad you were able to check it out! All the best brother! xo H

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey Maynard! Thanks for watching "2 Jennifer"! Sorry you didn't enjoy it, but I appreciate you checking it out. All the best bro. xo-H

    ReplyDelete

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