05 October 2015

More Festival Rubbish: SCHERZO DIABOLICO / HELLIONS / STUNG / THE PACK

SCHERZO DIABOLICO

Mexico / USA, 2015
Director: Adrián García Bogliano

4/10










After fabulous genre gems like the amazing creepfest "Here Comes The Devil" and the excellently entertaining werewolf-stunner "Late Phases", Mexican director Adrián García Bogliano returns with a surprisingly lame kidnapping-thriller that, like so many other /Slash films this year, starts out great, but ends up rather awful; a fabulously built and intriguingly told crime-chiller that becomes a nuts and mindless gorefest incl. supposed-to-be-amusing-yet-completely-unfunny humor and a mindnumbingly inane quasi-plot-twist.

Bogliano's focus on classic piano music as the movie's driving force is actually damn interesting, but ultimately pointless because it's only in here to eventually kick off that batshit dumb mid-twist. The pacing in the first half is very intense, but once the whole thing gets into insanity mode, the intensity is entirely gone, what remains is boredom and utter stupidity. To me, it actually felt as if the first half was directed by Bogliano (yay!) and the second half by the hopelessly overrated Álex de la Iglesia (nay).

The acting is thoroughly good, especially the marvellous perfomances by Francisco Barreiro (about as awesome as in "We Are What We Are" and "Here Comes The Devil"), and the photography by newcomer Dario Goldgel is just splendid, but aside from that, there's nothing else to praise about this.
Scherzo Dilettantesco.




HELLIONS

Canada, 2015
Director: Bruce McDonald

2/10











In 2008, versatile Canadian filmmaker Bruce McDonald made the incedible "Pontypool", one of the cleverest and most original zombie-themed horror films I've ever seen. Since then, I was patiently waiting for him to make another horror film. Now, in 2015, he's finally back in horror with "Hellions"... unfortunately, one of the worst Halloween-themed movie I've ever seen.

The first 20-25 minutes aren't exactly spectacular, but at least a bit entertaining, thanks to a solid performance by Chloe Rose as pregnant teenager and some gorgeous cinematography. What happens during the rest of the movie is... I don't know how to describe it. Insane over-use of ugly color-correction meets unscary and unnerving monster kids (ripped off of "Trick 'R Treat") meets stupid pro-life messages meets pointless levitating (ripped off of "Livid") meets the dumbest so-called nightmare-like sequences since "Cathy's Curse".

I'm not sure what happened throughout filming: did someone threw away the script? Were the cast & crew force-fed shitty drugs? Did some anti-abortion idiot took over direction? Did everyone involved stopped caring about the project for shits and giggles? I have no frigging idea, but... well, what could have been a neat artsy Halloween-film, eventually became a batshit horrible film where absolutely nothing makes sense. Fuck "Hellions" and watch "Minions" instead.




STUNG

Germany / USA, 2015
Director: Benni Diez

2/10











What looks and sounds like another average SyFy or The Asylum creature-feature-rubbish - members of a garden party fight against an armada of seven-foot-tall killer wasps - is actually the feature debut of some German hack called Benni Diez who obviously wanted to make a badass piece of insect-horror in the vein of Golden trash like "Ticks" or "Skeeter", but failed to do so because he hasn't a single spark of talent in him.

Ok, "Stung" starts out mildly amusing with a couple of half-decent characters talking semi-funny nonsense, but once the killer wasps get loose, the movie plummets down like a thunderstruck bumble bee. The wasp attacks are all just LOUD and WILD and LOUD and SHAKY and LOUD and AGGRESSIVE and LOUD and holy fucking beeswax, what the effing shit?!?! It's like the very definition of 'annoying'; and of course, it doesn't help that there's a few cool practical effects because it's all so indescribably irritating; and between the attacks, there's just tedious and shit-boring dialogue scenes that go on for like forever.

Lance Henriksen is pretty much the only 'good' thing about it. Sure, he delivers yet another one of his countless I-need-the-money-performances, but at least he's the only one who makes "Stung" somewhat bearable, especially because of silly lines like "To be a man, you have to be a man.". Other than that,
"Stung" is just cinematic dung.




THE PACK

Australia, 2015
Director: Nick Robertson

1/10











"The Pack" (not to be confused with the same-titled movies from 1977 and 2010) is an awful animal-horror crapfest about Australia's stupidest and most debt-ridden farmer family getting threatened by a pack of black stray dogs (you now, all black dogs are evil) who apparently seem to have no sense of smell, and no sense of direction, and easily get frightened whe you lure them into a kitchen
and turn the light off.

Oh my fucking goodness, this movie is so bloody stupid, I'm still not sure if it can be considered as so-bad-it's-good or so-bad-it's-awful. Without any investigation about how dogs, erm, work, 'writer' Evan Rachel Green created a script that is so fucking lousy, not even The Asylum would make a movie out of it - which was maybe the reason why Green convinced I-have-no-Imdb-entry-director Nick Robertson to turn it into a full feature. The result is as laughable as it is aggravating.

Imbecile characters making imbecile decisions to fight a pack of imbecile dogs. Nearly every single line of dialogue is batshit bonkers, at times unintentionally funny, at times cringeworthy. The acting ranges from I-need-the-money to I-don't-fucking-care. The direction could be described as I-don't-know-what-I'm-doing-but-I-do-it-anyway. Suspense... tension... scares... non-existent. Intelligent plot points... unexpected plot twists... any kind of logic... non-existent. The editing is beyond horrible, the basic plot line goes nowhere and the ending isn't even an ending, it's just a feeble excuse for an ending. "The Pack"? Nah,
more like "The Wreck".

6 comments:

  1. Ouch. I've seen this film at the Bruce Campbell Film Festival and my boyfriend and I thought it was really good. The suspense was great. The script could have had a bit more work but you can't expect much from a movie about a family on a farm being attacked by wild dogs. It wasn't a Transformers. What have you ever done beside blog a shitty Wordpress you use to slag off films?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "The suspense was great." - Suspense?? What suspense??

      "The script could have had a bit more work but you can't expect much from a movie about a family on a farm being attacked by wild dogs." - Why?? Ever seen Cujo? I CAN expect more from a movie like that.

      "It wasn't a Transformers." - Exactly, because even the worst Transformers is better than this.

      "What have you ever done beside blog a shitty Wordpress you use to slag off films?" - Wordpress? This is Blogger.com, bitch.

      Delete
  2. I find Hellions okay; though I do wish McDonald kept it as a simple slasher with supernatural kids but, meh, I'd seen worse.

    As for Stung...um...welp, my copy just came today. I guess I have to brace myself

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're the first person I stumble upon who thinks Hellions is okay. You're weird ;)

      Stung is... *sigh* no comment.

      Delete
  3. They all sound pretty awful. I was interested in Stung. but your review...er...stung me into disinterest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Believe me when I say that most SyFy crap is funnier than this.

      Delete

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